Laser Blade: Games Division

Office Improv: Wii

2008-08-27T15:27:00.000-07:00

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Summer Psyched

2008-07-31T17:28:00.000-07:00

I'm the most excited I've been all year for videogames.

The new Xbox Live Arcade rollout, starting this week with Geometry Wars 2, is awesome. Man, some quality titles are coming out. Here is the list:

This week: Geometry Wars 2
Next: Braid
After that'n: Bionic Commando: Rearmed
And then: CASTLE CRASHERS!

This is great. Live Arcade has kinda been boring of late, but boy they are really rolling it out! I'm going to buy, with my own money, all of these.

I have purchased Geometry Wars 2 and am racking up some pretty impressive scores. I suggest that everybody download this game and try to become the #1 warrior with the highest scores. We're all Xbox friends. The leaderboard system is very robust, and makes you want to keep playing until you beat Rob or whoever is currently in the lead.

So, I'll see you when Castle Crashers comes out. We'll form a 4-man team and win the game!

Choppy-Chop

2008-06-09T05:38:00.000-07:00

I usually don't buy new games. I'm patient, I can wait 3 or 4 months and by that time 60-dollar games magically become 40-dollar games. I'm cheap like that. Cheap like a whore. a Man-whore.

Dr. Strange-whore.

But I digress. The last time I bought a new game was Might and Magic: Dark Elements. Bought it for my birthday. 60 bucks. I haven't played it yet. It retails for 30 bucks now. Fiddlesticks!

If nothing else, I'm a sucker and I bought Ninja Gaiden II last Thursday. What can I say, I bought into the hype. I've not played the original Xbox Ninja Gaiden, but was (am) a devoted fan to the original series of nigh-impossible games. 60 bucks later I'm sitting in my house with a brand new game.

It's a brawler. Sure it looks pretty, and my ninja wields a sword instead of relying on his fists, but the core gameplay is brawler, i.e., Streets of Rage, Final Fight. But, seriously, it's a game, and this is exactly what I wanted form it: Old-school brawler action! The gameplay reminds me a lot of last year's Conan game too, and that's nothing but good.

Ryu, the player character, just may be the worst ninja on the face of the planet, but at least he's fun to control. The control scheme is similar to the first Prince of Persia not in layout but in fluidity. It's really easy to pull of "complicated moves". By this I mean a few button taps will cause Ryu to run sideways along a wall across a chasm and back flip on to enemies. An especially easy, yet dramatic, move has Ryu vault over an enemy and bisect them in the air. It looks complicated on the screen, but the controls make it a breeze.

Ninja Gaiden 2 is a game people will either enjoy or not enjoy; weak assessment for a review I understand, but an accurate one. As good as the graphics are and as solid as the gameplay is, the main reason for playing Ninja Gaiden 2 is the challenge. The entire game is a challenge to the player: how many items and secrets can the player find on a playthrough and what difficulty levels can be completed are the biggest questions posed by the game.

I'm playing on the easiest difficulty level. I got through the first level without dying. I'm quite proud of that. I'm sure the ass-kickings will come though. And then the cursing. Oh, the cursing. Regardless, I'll have hella fun doing it.

Play this sucka!

The Bourne (insert random word that preferably ends in –Y)

2008-05-14T05:54:00.000-07:00

A few nights ago after watching The Mist with fellow Laserblader Brendo (effed up, I recommend) , he directed me to Download the new game footage of the Gears of War II. Gears looks amazing of course but he kind of got on my case because I was also downloading the demo for the Bourne Fraternity game. I waited until he left to play it.

Well, I honestly, I really had fun with it. I am a fan of the movie series. The Bourne Virginity being my favorite of course but the game does a decent job of reenacting some of the cooler scenes in the movies.

The fight scenes are fast and close up and you get that kind of filming angle that gives it a cinematic effect. I also like how it moves really fast from one part to the next. It uses the button response gimmick (which I don’t hate) to allow for certain seemless sections.

It probably won’t be overall that good of game because let’s face it; Movie games suck*! It does seriously suffer from a lack of a counter button which I am amazed has been left out of the fighting. Also, why doesn’t he look like Matt Damon. He’s only the sexiest man alive.

Give it a try. It’s free. And don’t make fun of me.

* Apparently the Chronicles of Riddick video game didn’t suck that much but the movie did so I count that.

What have we been doing? GTV IV that's what!

2008-05-12T06:41:00.000-07:00

So, it's been eerily quiet here on the games division and I can only take some of the blame. Brendan's getting married, Susan and I have been smoking GTA IV like it's crack (sorry Dad... too soon?), and I don't think that Matt has an excuse. Mass Effect? That was sooo 4 months ago.

Early thoughts on GTA IV - Everyone and their mother will tell you how awesome GTA IV is and I agree but I did want to mention a few things that I dislike so far. No spoilers here. And please don't hate me.

1) Walking - the walking movement is a little weird. With such a great game why is turning around so hard? I keep turning into the railways and doors. Oh, and how hard is it to go up a ladder? Turns out it's pretty hard.

2) Driving. It's really hard. It took me a while to beat the first race which made me very angry!

3) The map. I use it often but I have to go through a few steps to get to it. In Bully, created by Rockstar, your map can be easily brought up by pressing the select button. Also, zooming in on the map is annoyingly slow. Anyone else?

4) Failing a mission - I do like when you fail you can go to again quickly but why do so many mission start out with you driving 5 minutes to get to the main story. When you fail you have to re-drive and re-drive. Small complaint.

Now, I know I am complaining about a great game but I thought I would just bring it up. Happy gaming and let's go with the posts!

Ikaruga

2008-04-15T11:48:00.000-07:00

Elitist gamers have been clamoring for years about Ikaruga, hoisting it up as a video game so cool that you can’t play it.

As an elitist, swiss cheese-eating, windsurfing liberal all-around snob, I couldn’t wait for an opportunity to play it. Previously released on the Dreamcast and again on the Gamecube, this title seemed nearly impossible to find due to small print runs, at least according to my non-existent research. Luckily, Xbox Live Arcade brought it out last week for all you gun-loving church goers out there to get your bitter hands on.

Ikaruga is an old school arcade style shoot ‘em up at heart. You have a ship, you shoot floating enemies that shoot back at you. The game is famous for it’s innovative play: you switch polarity between white and black using the B button. Enemies are either white or black. You can absorb bullets of the color you are currently sporting. You do double damage (or get double points?) for exploding an enemy of the opposite color of the one you are currently sporting. It does not seem simple, as some would say, and then go on to explain the subtle details that make it complex. It’s confusing from the get go. I still barely get it. But it is fucking fun.

The gameplay encourages rigid memorization and twitchy gameplay. I have gotten to the third level, and I can see that I’ll be needing to play it quite a few more times before I remember when to shoot what where and which color I should be. But the bottom line is that it is a blast, and a great opportunity for y’all to jump on this previously hard-to-find game.

It’s 800 points. Ten bucks. Go for it.

Here is the famous clip of some dude playing both 1 and 2 player ships at the same time. He wasted a significant portion of his life:

What no Swirlies? Whatever...

2008-04-11T16:41:00.000-07:00

I haven’t come across any stand out games in a while so it was a nice surprise when I found out that the 360 was reissuing Bully: Scholarship Edition for the next gen. I had played it a bit on the PS2 and had really liked it as a toned down GTA type game.

I know there was some controversy how it might promote school bullying and be a bad influence on school age children The game skirted the controversy a bit by having the main character stand up to all types of bullies aswell as act like one. And besides, only losers get bullied. O’Doyle Rules!!!

I’ll tell you know I love this game. Coming from an elite private school myself where I was nurtured and allowed to excel in all areas of academia, I have had a clear advantage over regular public school lower people and dweebs in general. This game is fun because it takes that experience and twists it into a very funny and well-designed game. The main character, Jimmy Hopkins, is nothing special but the game involves so many hilarious classic stereotypes; jocks, preppies, nerds, teachers.

The storyline is great and the game play is really varied allowing for a more satisfying gaming experience. There is nothing really new and inventive about the game-play itself but the setting and storyline are very unique. The standard missions, which revolve around mini mission and school classes, can involve anything from first person shooter to button response to word puzzles. They even have an dissection part that pulls from the Wii’s Trauma Center.

I also really like how Rockstar pushes the envelope with the Over the Rainbow achievement point. You get 20 A.P. for Getting Kissed by 20 Boys. Stick it to the homophobes! . I know my friends over at http://gaygamer.net were pretty psyched. But make sure you pass at least one “Art Class” before you try to do any boy-on-boy kissing. It takes an artistic touch.

So go off and enjoy. Just don’t bully anyone in the process. But it you have to, just make sure you say afterwards “ I’m just messing with you. Can’t you take a joke?” You’re pretty much untouchable after that.

What the up is

2008-04-10T10:00:00.000-07:00

I haven't played a new game in weeks. Other than Smash Bros., it has been months even since I've tried something new and fresh out. I have been struggling to think of a topic to write about here at Laser Blade Games Div.

Now that it has been a year since I've gotten my XBox 360, I have finally cooled off on playing it at the insane rate I was up until Xmas. I still love it, and play it pretty often. But I've also been playing the Wii a lot more. I have so many games that I haven't even played half of the way through yet, and I am having a blast chipping away at all of them, all at once.

I don't stick to one game, then move onto the next. I'm constantly popping games in and out of both systems, switching the AV cables to go from XBox to Wii... Mario Galaxy, Halo 3, Undertow... I even started playing Shadowrun again. It's still great!

Back when I was 26, I used to be an XBox.com nerd. I'd be on there a several times a day at work, checking what my buddies were playing, checking gamerscores, even reading forums. Ah, to be young again.

Now that I am to be wed next month (!) and the bills are stacking up, I've become a much more frugal gamer. Actually, I think it's just that no games have come out that I want. Besides Smash Bros. of course. There are a few DS games that I might have bought if I weren't in the red, but really, the DS doesn't do it for me so much. I can't get into it. The only games I've gotten all the way through are New Super Mario Bros. (too easy, short) and Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin.

So, I'll keep playing what I have until Gears of War 2 comes out.

Holy flaming cow!

2008-04-10T06:29:00.000-07:00

I'm really, really excited to say that the website I write for (well, the main one, anyway), has been nominated for a Webby!

The Webbys are called "the Oscars of the Internet", though admittedly that's by the people who organize the damn thing. The Academy of Digital Arts and Sciences hands out awards to sites it believes deserves recognition. Last year, we weren't even on their radar, this year, we're nominated.

We don't stand a chance of winning -- we're up against last year's winner, Gamasutra, and The Escapist, which has top-notch writing and Zero Punctuation, to boot -- but we're still jumping up and down. No joke, it really is just an honor to be nominated. The three of us work really, really hard to provide good content on a daily basis, and just to know that someone other than our moms is reading is very thrilling, indeed.

Paul Zander Strikes Back!!!

2008-04-04T11:13:00.000-07:00

It is not often that my nerdlinessness is called into question. It has taken me a few days to digest the ludicrisnesity of Matt's last statement. While yes, I have enjoy many lewd encounters with hot chicks (not nerdy) and No, I don’t have a deceptcons tattoo anywhere on my body (very nerdy), you must look past my gamertag to see the inner workings of a truly grand nerd.

Exhibit A – My current reading. A Game of Thrones

The book synopsis starts off like - "Prince Rhaegar Targaryen kidnapped Lyanna Stark, arousing the ire of her family and of her betrothed, Lord Robert Baratheon (the war's titular rebel). The Mad King, Aerys II Targaryen, had Lyanna's father and eldest brother executed when they demanded her safe return."

Exhibit B - I play Warhammer

Meet my Warhammer character Taulos D'Brionne, a charismatic Knight of Bretonnia! Taulos, a squire, is on a journey to find himself in hopes of channeling the Lady of Lake. I am ruled by spiritual and mystical leaders, the Fay Enchantress, her Damsels, and the Grail Knights.

And YES we do actually role play. Here is an excerpt from our Game Master after our first sesh.

"I hope everyone is having a pleasant holiday thus far. I just wanted to send a brief email that summarized Tuesday night's adventure.
The group started out together in the town of Untergard. Untergard had just begun to recover from the Storm of Chaos when our heroes arrived. The adventure began when Captain Schiller, head of the town watch, arrived with fresh supplies to the beleaguered people of Untergard. Suddenly, a shot rang out from the eastern side of the town. As the inhabitants of Untergard broke into a panic, the young squire Taulos D'Brionne(P Zander), noticed a number of mutants rushing across the bridge towards our heroes. The heroes rushed to meet the mutants charge. With Mors(Jesse) and Boris(Larry) leading the charge, the two hirsute warriors quickly dispatched two of the mutants. Mors was particularly vicious with a killing blow with his warhammer that completely pulverised one mutant's head. Taulous slew another mutant with some fancy sword-work. The elven wizard Mal Ra(Brendan) got into the fray by successfully casting a sleep spell on the last mutant. The sleepy mutant then awoke, albeit briefly, to a killing blow from Grundy's(Nat) warhammer. Now that's what I call teamwork!"

Exhibit C - I have a Video Game Blog. Check it out at http://laserbladegames.blogspot.com/

Take in the evidence and you will see my case stands up to Matt's attacks. He's obviously obsessed with me or something. Also, the only reason that I am playing those games is because I finished Mass Effect in a week and yeah, I finished the side missions! I also banged the nerdy blue ALIEN!!! So there DoctorDumb99. Yeah!!!

P Zander, I'm Calling You Out

2008-04-01T05:30:00.000-07:00

Whoa.

It's RPG in the hizzouse here at Laser Blade (pyew pyew) Games. I'm playing the atrocious, yet oddly addictive Two Worlds; Susan is cavorting her way through Oblivion again, Brendan is trying to score with human women in Mass Effect (I don't think his pimp hand is storng enough, personally), and P Zander is...

Wait.

Bully? Rock Band? Two Sports games!?!? P Zander you're screwing up our geek flow! You need some role-playing game STAT. My challenege to you, P Zander, is to let go of the endless well of socially-acceptable cool that you grasp so lovingly and join us in the RPG world, where leveling up characters and collecting phat lewtz take precedence over other things like style and members of the opposite sex (haha, sex).

Meet me behind the Cafeteria at noon if you accept this challenge.

Keeping a clean RPG house

2008-03-27T12:13:00.000-07:00

I have solved your gaming conundrum, Matt. And quite possibly also gotten you fired. These things can't be helped, really.

As preparation for an interview I had today, I checked out Kongregate, the so-called "YouTube of gaming." It's a collection of free-to-play games created by independent designers, which are displayed based on the aggregate rating they've received from folks who've played them. In other words, the best-rated games rise to the top, while the junk settles on the bottom where you don't have to deal with it if you don't want to.

I poked around a bit and found a lovely (if at times frustrating) Spot the Differences game called 5 Differences, tried the flash version of Portal yet again (just not the same without GLaDOS), then finally found Monster's Den.

You know how people who claim to have been abducted say they lost time? That suddenly, it was simply hours or days later? I felt that way after playing Monster's Den.

The game is a simple dungeon crawl that boils down to kill stuff, collect loot. There's a story, but it's so thin it makes Paris Hilton look like she should be on The Biggest Loser. You travel through a dungeon's level by clicking from room to room. If a crossed sword icon is in the room, there are monsters in there, waiting to do you harm. If there's a treasure chest, phat lewt awaits. You can explore as much or as little of the level as you want, so long as you find the exit.

Anyone who's played Diablo--this is why I called you out in particular, Matt--understands the addictive nature of killing shit to receive rewards. Especially when said rewards are given varying degrees of rarity.

What's particularly interesting, at least for one who tends to hoard her treasures, dragon-style the way I do, is that you can't sell your swag, or keep very much if it. You have room for 45 items, that's it. So no keeping that sword that you'll probably never use simply because it does 14 points of poison damage on strike or the rare dagger that you might, eventually, equip if you ever decide to stop carrying a shield in your off hand.

You have to keep your treasure trove fairly tidy, which means you'll have to destroy treasure after treasure after treasure. It's kind of liberating, in a way, to find yourself forced to ditch items. Once you get over the nausea of having to destroy a rare pair of boots that provides +2 to endurance, +1 to intelligence and 34% damage reflection, that is.

Losing Cool

2008-03-20T06:20:00.000-07:00

I think it's been two weeks since I claimed to pull a Brendan-like not-buy-any-games-until-I-finish-what-I-have move. Yeah, that failed. My birthday is around the corner and family members have been sending me little amounts of money tucked into possibly touching birthday cards. I throw the cards away. MONEY! When I get money, and Susan can attest to this, my first thought becomes: how can I save this? I was then seriously instructed by my wife, my parents, and others that in no-uncertain terms I should not save this money. Damn. What do I do now?

Second thought: Let's be responsible. Do I need clothes? No. Work Clothes? No. Shoes? No. I run through the gamut of things I can buy that'd be remotely responsiblle, but there's pretty much nothing I need right now. Excpet more video games.

I bought Dark Messiah, which I've had an urge to play just because of Source-engine goodness. The second game, the second game purchase has already gotten me maligned by my peers: I bought Two Worlds.

I'm a sucker for open-ended sword-and-sorcery role-playing games. It's the epic geek in me, really. When this game came out, it got terrible reviews, and rightfully so. Susan warned me to stay the hell away as did others I knew. I've always had a nagging thought to play it. Recently the price took a dip to 30 bucks; throw in 15 dollars worth of trade-in value and I've got myself a game I don't feel guilty about buying. But what about playing?

Two Worlds is a broken game. Even after the large (1 gig!) patch, it's horribly unbalanced and glitchy. But this is where the fun lies. Sure the jerky animation and ugly textures and models grate once in a while, but it's not that bad. No, exploiting equipment glitches and poor game mechanics are where the fun lie.

It is easy-as-hell to become an uber-character in Two Worlds. I can't even believe I'm typing this, but for some ungodly reason equipment stacks. It doesn't stack in the take-up-one-space-in-inventory either, stats will stack. If a player has two shields with a parry rating of 4, stack them up and the parry rating becomes 6 or something. Fuzzy math. As far as I can tell, players can do this infinitely. It boggles my mind how someone could think to implement such a feature. I also can't get over how awesome it is. Even magic spells and attack boosts stack. I'm not buying big expensive swords. I keep buying run-of-the-mill swords and stacking them. It's fantastically stupid.

Of course, the dialogue and voice-acting also make this game need-to-own at cheap price points. Everything is monotone and puncuated with "forsooth," "perchance," and "mayhap." Sure, one may have seen these words in fantasy novels or in other written media, but have you ever heard someone actually speak them? aloud? I don't think I have, because words cannot convey how incredibly awkward it is to actually hear someone speak in such a manner. I'm sure the poor voice-acting plays a big part in this awkwardness, but I assure you Sir Lawrence Olivier could not deliver these lines in an unawkward fashion.

I can go on about this game, but it's one of the first truly so-bad-it's-good games I've ever played. Usually bad games are so unbearable, but not Two Worlds. Congratulations are in order I guess. Good job fellas, keep 'em coming.

The Condemned Lost Odyssey

2008-03-17T06:46:00.000-07:00

If you've spotted me on Xbox Live lately, you've probably noticed that the bulk of my time has been spent playing Lost Odyssey and, as of this past weekend, Condemned 2. You can find my thoughts about Lost Odyssey over at Crispy Gamer, but what it boils down to is if you like JRPGs, this is one of the best ones you'll find.

Sadly, the same cannot be said about Condemned 2, no matter what your feelings about JRPGs may be.

I adored the first Condemned, in which you work as FBI agent Ethan Thomas to track down serial killer SKX. The plot stops making sense about halfway through the game (what is up with that guy with the bits of metal sticking out of him?) but it did something nearly impossible -- it truly, truly scared me. I love horror movies (not like Matt does, but still), and have seen a lot of them. As a result, so-called "scary" games usually don't affect me very much, but Condemned had my neck in knots from the tension of working my way through a level. The tension drops about three-quarters of the way through the game--about the same time the plot begins to make you go "Hwa?", now that I think about it--but Condemned has the distinction of containing what I consider to be the single scariest moment of any video game I have ever played. Hell, I get creeped out now just thinking about it.

Condemned also had two other elements that I appreciated, though one worked decidedly better than the other. In typical first person shooters, no matter where you are, there always seems to be a handy stash of ammo just when you need it. Doesn't matter if you're prowling through a bakery or a daycare center, a spare clip for your AK-47 is always propped ever so helpfully on the counter. Condemned says no to that by only providing you with a handful of guns, and no extra ammo. What's in the gun is all you get. Sometimes it's ten shots, sometimes it's one. You can pick up all sorts of random detritus to use as a melee weapon though, which not only makes you feel vulnerable (and therefore more frightened) but also makes sure you'll get up close and personal with your attackers. And did I mention that the AI can pick up anything you can, including the guns?

So that worked well. What was less successful were the game's forensic segments, which were dumbed down to the point that they were little more than interactive cinemas. When it came time to examine evidence, your forensic tool was chosen for you and you were flat out told what to do with it. Short of one of the developers actually coming into your house and holding your hand as you played, it was about as gentle as it could have been. It wasn't bad, it didn't make you hate the game, but it did make you wish they'd done something a bit deeper.

So Condemned was flawed, but I loved it and when I learned that a sequel was in the works, I danced around in glee because, I naively figured, they'd take what they learned from the first one and improve upon it right? It'll be Condemned, only better! Wrong.

For starters, it's not scary. Oh, there are moments here and there that are undeniably creepy, but for the most part the atmosphere of Condemned 2 is no different from any other run-of-the-mill first-person-action game. Your life is in danger, sure, but isn't it always in a game? And though the bodies begin piling up relatively quickly, you simply don't care. The first level of the original Condemned sucked you into the story immediately, but the first level of Condemned 2 is a mess whose relevance only becomes clear later in the game. I suppose it's meant to pique your interest, but there's simply nothing interesting about killing monsters made of black goo while your vision is blurred.

Oh, yes, I forgot to mention that while you're still playing as Ethan Thomas, instead of being a likeable FBI agent, you're a mean-tempered drunk and as a result of your heavy drinking, your vision is frequently blurred. There's nothing quite so "fun" as trying to work though a dark level filled with inky enemies when you can't see. Oh, I could just do that for hours.

The forensics are much improved, though. Not only do you have to figure out which tool to use yourself (ok, not hard, since there are only four of them) but you're also expected to answer specific questions. Upon discovering a body, for example, you'll be prompted to look for three clues to the person's identity, such as their clothing, their location, and so forth. Not quite CSI, but these segments are interesting, fun, and make a great break from the searching and fighting of the rest of the game.

Condemned 2 isn't a bad game, it's just not what I was hoping for. It's...well, it's ordinary.

Source of Joy

2008-03-16T15:42:00.000-07:00

I know I said I wouldn't buy any more games until I finish the multitude I have chillaxin' on my shelf, but dammit, I will break that rule.

I finished Half-Life 2 today (probably my favorite game after Symphony of the Night) and dammit, I want to play more Source engine games! A small amount of research uncovered a Source-derived action RPG in the vein of Oblivion. Sweet.

I downloaded the Dark Messiah: Might and Magic demo. It's nowhere near as good as Half-life (from the small amount I played through), but it looks like a lot of fun. Sword combat is fun and all, but it were the kick mechanics and real-time physics that did it for me. Crunching some poor son of a bitch in the spine, sending him spiraling over a deep chasm? Hell yeah. I went through the demo just kicking people in the kidneys. Kicks do more damage than sword wounds too. I don't know how that makes sense, but it does make for fun. Check it.

Feets of fury, furiously footing ferocious feet-violence!

I drew this

2008-03-14T07:55:00.000-07:00

I got so excited at work today thinking about Smash Bros. Brawl that I flipped! I had to draw some of the characters to show you how cool the game and I are.

Rock out with your Turok out!

2008-03-12T14:40:00.000-07:00

I vaguely remember the first Turok game for the N64 other than "killing things with a bow and arrow is cool." Killing Dinosours with a bow and arrow is doubly cool albeit probably not very efficient. I was looking forward to trying the next generation Turok. Dinosaur in HD!!!

First I would like say that I really like the name Turok. I like yelling it. TUROOOOOK!!!!! It feels good. Try it! Makes ya feel tough. I can’t really explain it but I thought I would just interject that.

The game unfortunately is not as fun as screaming Turok. Your character is Joseph TUROK!!! A Native American warrior on your way to way to hunt down your old mentor and now terrorist outlaw. Yeah, this is not exactly the most original story-line but whatever it’s the future and that means cool weapons, right? Oh wait, so the bow and arrow is still the best weapon in the future. O- kaaaaay. And what’s with the basic machine guns? Come on people!! Don’t start me off on a space cruiser jumping out of light speed and then give me a couple shity Uzis. I will say that some of the knife kills are cool but the game never decided if it wants to be a stealth game or not leading to a bit of frustration. And no duck and cover? Also, the save points come too few and far between. I had to replay the same long sequence a bunch of times before I randomly got to the next save point.

I did have fun shooting dinosaurs and they do hide in the tall grass and jump out which gives it a cool feel of realism. That is to say that the dinosaurs of Jurassic Park are realistic. I guess we don’t know how they really were. They could have been cute cuddly lil bastards for all we know. Then I guess they could have named the game the Dinosaur Whisperer. Again, I digress.

The voice acting overall is pretty good and I saw that they employed some actual actors which is nice, like Ron Pearlman of Hellboy and Donnie Walberg of… um….. New Kids on the Block.

But when one of my objectives is to “Go find Radio” I cringe a bit. How many times have I had to fix a radio in video games. Again, it’s the fricken future! No high powered cell phones? Nanotechnology? Earpieces??!!!

Overall, the game isn’t bad but it doesn’t really take any risks or offer us anything new. Maybe its more like "Jazzersize with my Turok out."

TUUUUROOOOOK!!!!!!!

Smack Bros.

2008-03-12T06:32:00.001-07:00

That’s what my lovely fiancé called Smash Bros. Brawl last night. She’s down though; she’s with it. She was being funny, and it made me laugh. One of the easiest ways to get me loling is to act like an ignorant mom (or dad, I guess… but moms are funnier) when it comes to video games and say the names incorrectly, as in:

“Quit playing the Marios and come to dinner!!”

“I’ve been trying to find a Super Imtendo for my kids.”

“Let your brother play Smack Brothers!”

“Do you have any Wii games?” (referring solely to the console)

Anyway, Smash Bros. is a blast to play, duh! I’m making a serious push to get my pals in on this game, as one of my main problems with previous Smash games was that I had no friends with whom to play. Fighting the computer is only interesting for so long.

After Paul Zander frowned a bit and called the game “horrible,” he came into his own using Pit, and I think he may be excited for more. Zombie Dreamer himself became a performance artist as he entertained me and Zander using Wario, one of the tougher characters to use. “The longer you wait, the bigger your fart will be,” I said, teaching him the ins and outs of Wario’s skills. “When you get the smash ball, you turn into Super Wario and all your powers are stronger,” I instructed, as Zombie Dreamer comically launched himself off the map in Wario’s motorcycle.

I haven’t been able to get Wi-fi matches to work, which I attribute to Nintendo’s horrible online service. So I’ll be hoping for more friends to come over to enjoy this great game. Please come over and play with me. I have donuts and homemade milks and juices.

Gravitation

2008-03-06T12:18:00.000-08:00

Laser Bladers, you simply must play THIS new free indie game called Gravitation by Jason Rohrer. You may have played his previous game, Passage, and found it to be thought- and emotion-provoking. Both are free downloads that run on PCs and Macs.

This new game is better, and it is amazing how this simple thing can really make you feel emotions. While playing, once I figured out what the dynamic was, I felt very touched and entered a state of melancholy. I was very surprised by the way it affected me.

Poking around his website, I found Mr. Rohrer to be a true artist and seemingly self-actualized human being. His lifestyle and work are very non-traditional, and inspiring in a way. I suggest you check it out for yourself. It's great to see that there are some people really living on the edges out there, doing things their own damn way and doing them well.

That reminds me, I need to do something with my life.

How about you just kick me in the teeth instead? It would hurt less.

2008-03-04T16:12:00.000-08:00

Although the title on my business card says "contributing writer," I am more commonly referred to--usually with a curled upper lip-- as a "blogger." The very word has a particularly negative connotation amongst the game community, and it's easy to see why. Any yutz with Internet access can have a blog, after all, and many a blogger has played fast and loose with the truth in the hopes of scoring traffic.

I know this, I accept this, but I strive to prove to people each and every day that bloggers being ethics-free is not an absolute. I'm pretty sure I've read a story or two about "reputable" journalists fudging sources or simply making shit up out of whole cloth, and yet people still toss around the word "journalist" as though it's solid gold. That's fine. I don't have a degree in journalism, I'm not aspiring to win a Pulitzer, I just want to do my job to the best of my ability, with integrity and sincerity.

Let's be honest, shall we? Telling people that Okami got delayed three weeks or that there's a new patch coming for Burnout Paradise is not exactly life-altering work. I do what I do, and I'm proud of it, but I'm not under the impression that my wordsmithery is going to change the world. That doesn't mean I don't take what I do seriously, though. I may write about video games for a living, but I'm a professional, dammit, and I conduct myself accordingly.

I bring up all of that not to complain about my job--I love it--but rather to try and give you some backstory that might better shed light onto why a simple comment made by a very lovely programmer at GDC made me want to cry in frustration.

I was in the Sony bloggers lounge, writing up an announcement from Insomniac Games. A young, shy, charming young programmer sat down with me, and we chatted a bit in the amiable way that strangers do when forced into a social situation. A colleague of hers passed by, and she joked with him about a comment he had made earlier. I asked what it was, and they both looked at me in alarm. He scuttled away after muttering something noncommittal, and she was clearly unsure of how to proceed. She didn't want to be rude, but she also didn't want something damaging showing up online.

To put her at ease, I said, "Strictly off the record, of course." I have no interest in humiliating developers for the sake of traffic. She told me the comment in question--it was a doozy, alright--and we chuckled over it. Then she said, completely unmaliciously, "Wait--does 'off the record' even work with bloggers?"

Sigh.

That sums it up right there. That, in a nutshell, is how I'm perceived by people who don't know me. That I'm just part of the problem, a member of a sleazy band of integrity-free assholes who will happily lie to your face as they compose an attention-grabbing, truth-skewing lede in their heads. All because I write for a blog and not a "real" publication.

It sucks. It hurts. It's frustrating as hell. It makes me wonder why I bother trying so hard to do things the right way when people are simply going to assume that I have a tenuous relationship with the truth.

The answer, I think, is that whether or not your efforts are appreciated, they still count. Doing your job well has value in and of itself, even if other folks don't care to notice.

At least that's what I like to believe.

Bits and Pieces

2008-03-04T12:02:00.001-08:00

Time for a short rant. Actually several. And they all won't really be rants.
OK, my opening line is just plain wrong now, but I'm too lazy to delete. I'm not an editor after all!

(1) Is anyone else sick of games trying to be movies? It's embarrassing, yeah? I downloaded the teaser for Gears of War 2 recently. I was hoping for gameplay but was instead treated to one hyper-pretentious "cinematic" experience: silhouettes of Marcus Fenix and a Locust engaged in a chainsaw-duel, complete with the requisite war-is-hell-I'm-so-gritty monologue.

I guess that's fine and dandy if it's a film or something (a crappy film), but if one wants to tease a game, some in-game screens might be warranted. Of course now people are clamoring at the idea of engaging in chainsaw duels in the actual game. Is that a selling point?

Jesus, I'm already off-topic. This is supposed to be a short rant; don't get off the tracks. Anyway, I just finished Gears of War on hardcore (I know, I'm slow, sue me) and it really is a great game; tons of fun. It's everything around it, the total package as it were, that messes up the experience. So much went into the acting, dialogue, and cut scenes and for what? It's not like they told a story, it's not like we got any insight into characters, for as much as they spoke (Cole is just embarrassing. who wrote him?) nothing of importance was said. Of course, the cinematic cut-scenes were the most embarrassing: a threadbare story told through cut-scenes employing techniques from the worst from cinema (rapid-fire editing and "slick" filters).

Why not just make a game. Don't ape concepts and techniques from movies; don't tell a "cinematic" story, tell a story one can only tell through a game. Hell, do away with cut-scenes all together. They break immersion. One should not be "watching" a game. If games are "art" (as many game bloggers and journalists want to claim), why not develop game-based story techniques. One of the aspects that made Half-Life 2 so amazing to play was that the story never breaks; the player is always in control, even when listening to dialogue. It doesn't play like a movie, the story unfolds in the form of a game.

I picked on Gears of War here, which as i stated above is a really good game, it's just a shame that it weighs itself down with groan-inducing "cinematic" crap. A fun game becomes a lowest-common-denominator-movie. No fun. Maybe I'm off base, What do you all think?

(2) On a different note, I'm obsessed with playing through Marvel: Ultimate Alliance (bad cut scenes notwithstanding, ugh); it's a ton of fun at the later levels and once players unlock a bunch of higher-tier powers for their characters. I'm always up for multi-player and I think I'm going to run through the game a few times (seriously, that fun) before firing up Mass Effect.

(3) I still have 6 unplayed games; Aside from possibly Lost Odyssey (Susan, I needs the reviews from you), I want to pull a Brendan and not buy any game until I finish them. I'm slow though, but I have until the fall (Fable 2, Fallout3, and Sacred 2, oh my!) to accomplish this feat.

(4) Oh god Ironlore, we hardly knew ye! Titan Quest was the only game after Diablo II to get the rogue-like style of RPG down in such a spectacular and fun package. The expansion to Titan Quest was such a step in the right direction in terms of quality that a sequel would have been brain-meltingly good. It really is a shame this company folded so quickly.

Titan Quest is a phenomenal game and can run well on even modest machines. I highly recommend checking out. I've a crap load of Boddingtons at home, I'm going to get wasted and kill Harpies, woooooo

Drinking and gaming make my wife hate me.

This one's for Matt

2008-02-28T10:03:00.001-08:00

I hate to tell you this, buddy, but Titan Quest developer Iron Lore has closed its doors forever. Not enough people appreciate mythologically-themed Diablo clones, I guess.

The bastards.

Got my money’s worth

2008-02-27T10:32:00.000-08:00

I can now say I have completed the entirety of The Orange Box. This came out in October of last year, and I have been playing it pretty consistently ever since. Of course I took time off from it to play such great games as Mass Effect, Super Mario Galaxy, and plenty of Halo 3, also many other games, but I can say confidently that this game entertained me (and it ain’t done yet!) for a solid four months.

The reason I say I have finally completed it is on account of my own imposed regulations. Because Team Fortress 2 is a multiplayer team shooter, I decided that the moment I got the Hardcore achievement (15 pts.; get 1000 kills) I will have “completed” Team Fortress 2. The 1000th kill was a great one, nearly symbolic of the scope of human awesomeness in its epic quality. Here’s how it happened:

After playing two matches, I saw that I was within reach of 1000 kills with one more match (thanks to the handy achievement point tracker all games in The Orange Box have). We were storming the second checkpoint on Dustbowl. There were a bunch of pesky turrets within range of a choice sniper shot, so I, thinking only of the team and not my gamerscore, switched to the Sniper class, one I rarely, if ever, use. As I took aim at the turret (one charged up shot can take them out) I saw through my scope a hated Soldier coming my way. I backed up. He came at me. I aimed with the scope. While backpedaling to avoid his rocket, I squeezed the trigger—BAM! Headshot on the Soldier. *Bloop* “Achievement Unlocked: Hardcore” It was a great evening for gaming.

I also finished Half Life: Episode 2 last week. This game is the high point of the Half Life series. While Episode 1 was fun and interesting, Episode 2 really shines. The variety of gameplay, the great storytelling, the characters, and the wicked final fight against the striders all come together to make it a great experience. Oh, and the ending! Very cool.

Now maybe enough time has passed that I can play Portal again and it will be like new. Maybe I’ll never put down The Orange Box.

Oh Indie games.... I can't stay mad at you!

2008-02-27T08:20:00.000-08:00

Indie games, I love you.

I recently revisited the Indie game “flOw” built by Jenova Chen. It’s a simple free flash game that involves ummm… swimming, I think, and uh, eating things. And then you switching levels. And then you evolve or devolve or ….. WHATEVER it’s cool. And addictive. Games these days come with thick instruction booklets and many game styles, so it’s refreshing when you play something that is just as fun but has no instructions and needs only one button.

I do kind of resent that this free game is now for sale for $7.99 on the PS3 store. That’s unless the majority of the profits are going to the original inventor. Similar to “N+” ninja game that is now for sale on the Xbox live for a handful of points.

Well, if you feel like trying these games out on the web, flash style, click the links.

But my personal “WTF, no instruction” favorites are the Hapland Trilogy. Let me know what ya think.

http://foon.co.uk/farcade/hapland/

http://foon.co.uk/farcade/hapland2

http://foon.co.uk/farcade/hapland3

Sometimes a girl is just a girl

2008-02-26T14:33:00.000-08:00

If you enjoy the things that go beep the way we do here at LBGD (which sounds like a group that should be having a pride parade), you've more than likely tried Portal and fallen deeply, deeply in love with it. Portal is, as near as I can tell, a perfect game. Its concept is simple, its controls, elegant, and it's exactly as long as it needs to be. The fact that its creators are a couple of girls right out of school is at once both surprising and obvious. We expect such moments of brilliance to come from seasoned professionals, but they rarely do. Once you're in the system, that kind of wild creativity seems to get ground out until it's as fine as fairy dust.

The last panel on the last day of the Game Developers' Conference in San Francisco was the Portal Post Mortem, where Kim Swift (one of the original designers) and Erik Wolpaw (the guy who wrote all of that hilarious dialog for GLaDOS) would tell us, the audience, just how Portal became Portal.

The room was as full as a room can be without people actually being stacked on top of each other. I'm glad I don't know the mathematical equations necessary to calculate how rapidly a crowd that size was using up all the available oxygen, because I might have fled in sheer terror otherwise. Everyone, everyone wanted to hear what Kim and Erik had to say. Or at least they thought they did.

After Erik and Kim gave a fascinating glimpse into the creation process (here's a hint: playtest the crap out of everything, as soon as you possibly can), they answered a seemingly never-ending stream of questions from the audience. If you've been following the Portal saga at all, you know that people have been analyzing and reanalyzing it, desperately trying to find deeper meaning in its 19 levels. They make much of the fact that both Chell and GLaDOS are female characters (clearly, it's a lesbian game!) and even find significance in the colors of the portals themselves.

It was almost heartbreaking to see them step up to the mic, certain that they'd have their theories confirmed, only to have either Swift or Wolpaw tell them, in so many words, to get a life.

"I couldn't help but notice that the portals in Narbacular Drop (Portal in its original form) were red and that they changed to orange in the final version, and I was wondering about the significance of that?"

"We tried a lot of colors and liked orange best."

"Settle a bet for me. Is Chell a cyborg?" That's a big one, the Chell is a cyborg theory. To be fair, she does have those weird things on her legs, so this one isn't totally out of left field. But as it turns out...

"No, she's not. We just put those weird things on her legs."

And so it went. Theory after theory being shot down by cold, hard, practicality. And the biggest ones of all, the ones about GLaDOS being female so that she's some kind of mother figure, or that everyone in the game is a girl because the game is some kind of pro-lesbian statement? Guess again.

GLaDOS is female because the Portal team knew that whoever they cast would be taking some very specific direction ("No, say it exactly like this") and knew an actress they thought would be amenable to that. And Chell is female because Valve's Gabe Newell suggested it.

"We had a guy originally, and then Gabe walked by one day and said, 'Why don't you make it a girl?' and we said, *shrug* 'Ok.'"

That's it. No subtext. No deeper meaning. Just a great game made by an insanely talented group of people. Apologies to those in the gaming community who feel that games must Mean Something in order for them to have value, but sometimes a girl is just a girl.