Keeping a clean RPG house

I have solved your gaming conundrum, Matt. And quite possibly also gotten you fired. These things can't be helped, really.

As preparation for an interview I had today, I checked out Kongregate, the so-called "YouTube of gaming." It's a collection of free-to-play games created by independent designers, which are displayed based on the aggregate rating they've received from folks who've played them. In other words, the best-rated games rise to the top, while the junk settles on the bottom where you don't have to deal with it if you don't want to.

I poked around a bit and found a lovely (if at times frustrating) Spot the Differences game called 5 Differences, tried the flash version of Portal yet again (just not the same without GLaDOS), then finally found Monster's Den.

You know how people who claim to have been abducted say they lost time? That suddenly, it was simply hours or days later? I felt that way after playing Monster's Den.

The game is a simple dungeon crawl that boils down to kill stuff, collect loot. There's a story, but it's so thin it makes Paris Hilton look like she should be on The Biggest Loser. You travel through a dungeon's level by clicking from room to room. If a crossed sword icon is in the room, there are monsters in there, waiting to do you harm. If there's a treasure chest, phat lewt awaits. You can explore as much or as little of the level as you want, so long as you find the exit.

Anyone who's played Diablo--this is why I called you out in particular, Matt--understands the addictive nature of killing shit to receive rewards. Especially when said rewards are given varying degrees of rarity.

What's particularly interesting, at least for one who tends to hoard her treasures, dragon-style the way I do, is that you can't sell your swag, or keep very much if it. You have room for 45 items, that's it. So no keeping that sword that you'll probably never use simply because it does 14 points of poison damage on strike or the rare dagger that you might, eventually, equip if you ever decide to stop carrying a shield in your off hand.

You have to keep your treasure trove fairly tidy, which means you'll have to destroy treasure after treasure after treasure. It's kind of liberating, in a way, to find yourself forced to ditch items. Once you get over the nausea of having to destroy a rare pair of boots that provides +2 to endurance, +1 to intelligence and 34% damage reflection, that is.

Losing Cool

I think it's been two weeks since I claimed to pull a Brendan-like not-buy-any-games-until-I-finish-what-I-have move. Yeah, that failed. My birthday is around the corner and family members have been sending me little amounts of money tucked into possibly touching birthday cards. I throw the cards away. MONEY! When I get money, and Susan can attest to this, my first thought becomes: how can I save this? I was then seriously instructed by my wife, my parents, and others that in no-uncertain terms I should not save this money. Damn. What do I do now?

Second thought: Let's be responsible. Do I need clothes? No. Work Clothes? No. Shoes? No. I run through the gamut of things I can buy that'd be remotely responsiblle, but there's pretty much nothing I need right now. Excpet more video games.

I bought Dark Messiah, which I've had an urge to play just because of Source-engine goodness. The second game, the second game purchase has already gotten me maligned by my peers: I bought Two Worlds.



I'm a sucker for open-ended sword-and-sorcery role-playing games. It's the epic geek in me, really. When this game came out, it got terrible reviews, and rightfully so. Susan warned me to stay the hell away as did others I knew. I've always had a nagging thought to play it. Recently the price took a dip to 30 bucks; throw in 15 dollars worth of trade-in value and I've got myself a game I don't feel guilty about buying. But what about playing?

Two Worlds is a broken game. Even after the large (1 gig!) patch, it's horribly unbalanced and glitchy. But this is where the fun lies. Sure the jerky animation and ugly textures and models grate once in a while, but it's not that bad. No, exploiting equipment glitches and poor game mechanics are where the fun lie.

It is easy-as-hell to become an uber-character in Two Worlds. I can't even believe I'm typing this, but for some ungodly reason equipment stacks. It doesn't stack in the take-up-one-space-in-inventory either, stats will stack. If a player has two shields with a parry rating of 4, stack them up and the parry rating becomes 6 or something. Fuzzy math. As far as I can tell, players can do this infinitely. It boggles my mind how someone could think to implement such a feature. I also can't get over how awesome it is. Even magic spells and attack boosts stack. I'm not buying big expensive swords. I keep buying run-of-the-mill swords and stacking them. It's fantastically stupid.

Of course, the dialogue and voice-acting also make this game need-to-own at cheap price points. Everything is monotone and puncuated with "forsooth," "perchance," and "mayhap." Sure, one may have seen these words in fantasy novels or in other written media, but have you ever heard someone actually speak them? aloud? I don't think I have, because words cannot convey how incredibly awkward it is to actually hear someone speak in such a manner. I'm sure the poor voice-acting plays a big part in this awkwardness, but I assure you Sir Lawrence Olivier could not deliver these lines in an unawkward fashion.

I can go on about this game, but it's one of the first truly so-bad-it's-good games I've ever played. Usually bad games are so unbearable, but not Two Worlds. Congratulations are in order I guess. Good job fellas, keep 'em coming.

The Condemned Lost Odyssey

If you've spotted me on Xbox Live lately, you've probably noticed that the bulk of my time has been spent playing Lost Odyssey and, as of this past weekend, Condemned 2. You can find my thoughts about Lost Odyssey over at Crispy Gamer, but what it boils down to is if you like JRPGs, this is one of the best ones you'll find.

Sadly, the same cannot be said about Condemned 2, no matter what your feelings about JRPGs may be.

I adored the first Condemned, in which you work as FBI agent Ethan Thomas to track down serial killer SKX. The plot stops making sense about halfway through the game (what is up with that guy with the bits of metal sticking out of him?) but it did something nearly impossible -- it truly, truly scared me. I love horror movies (not like Matt does, but still), and have seen a lot of them. As a result, so-called "scary" games usually don't affect me very much, but Condemned had my neck in knots from the tension of working my way through a level. The tension drops about three-quarters of the way through the game--about the same time the plot begins to make you go "Hwa?", now that I think about it--but Condemned has the distinction of containing what I consider to be the single scariest moment of any video game I have ever played. Hell, I get creeped out now just thinking about it.

Condemned also had two other elements that I appreciated, though one worked decidedly better than the other. In typical first person shooters, no matter where you are, there always seems to be a handy stash of ammo just when you need it. Doesn't matter if you're prowling through a bakery or a daycare center, a spare clip for your AK-47 is always propped ever so helpfully on the counter. Condemned says no to that by only providing you with a handful of guns, and no extra ammo. What's in the gun is all you get. Sometimes it's ten shots, sometimes it's one. You can pick up all sorts of random detritus to use as a melee weapon though, which not only makes you feel vulnerable (and therefore more frightened) but also makes sure you'll get up close and personal with your attackers. And did I mention that the AI can pick up anything you can, including the guns?

So that worked well. What was less successful were the game's forensic segments, which were dumbed down to the point that they were little more than interactive cinemas. When it came time to examine evidence, your forensic tool was chosen for you and you were flat out told what to do with it. Short of one of the developers actually coming into your house and holding your hand as you played, it was about as gentle as it could have been. It wasn't bad, it didn't make you hate the game, but it did make you wish they'd done something a bit deeper.

So Condemned was flawed, but I loved it and when I learned that a sequel was in the works, I danced around in glee because, I naively figured, they'd take what they learned from the first one and improve upon it right? It'll be Condemned, only better! Wrong.

For starters, it's not scary. Oh, there are moments here and there that are undeniably creepy, but for the most part the atmosphere of Condemned 2 is no different from any other run-of-the-mill first-person-action game. Your life is in danger, sure, but isn't it always in a game? And though the bodies begin piling up relatively quickly, you simply don't care. The first level of the original Condemned sucked you into the story immediately, but the first level of Condemned 2 is a mess whose relevance only becomes clear later in the game. I suppose it's meant to pique your interest, but there's simply nothing interesting about killing monsters made of black goo while your vision is blurred.

Oh, yes, I forgot to mention that while you're still playing as Ethan Thomas, instead of being a likeable FBI agent, you're a mean-tempered drunk and as a result of your heavy drinking, your vision is frequently blurred. There's nothing quite so "fun" as trying to work though a dark level filled with inky enemies when you can't see. Oh, I could just do that for hours.

The forensics are much improved, though. Not only do you have to figure out which tool to use yourself (ok, not hard, since there are only four of them) but you're also expected to answer specific questions. Upon discovering a body, for example, you'll be prompted to look for three clues to the person's identity, such as their clothing, their location, and so forth. Not quite CSI, but these segments are interesting, fun, and make a great break from the searching and fighting of the rest of the game.

Condemned 2 isn't a bad game, it's just not what I was hoping for. It's...well, it's ordinary.

Source of Joy

I know I said I wouldn't buy any more games until I finish the multitude I have chillaxin' on my shelf, but dammit, I will break that rule.

I finished Half-Life 2 today (probably my favorite game after Symphony of the Night) and dammit, I want to play more Source engine games! A small amount of research uncovered a Source-derived action RPG in the vein of Oblivion. Sweet.

I downloaded the Dark Messiah: Might and Magic demo. It's nowhere near as good as Half-life (from the small amount I played through), but it looks like a lot of fun. Sword combat is fun and all, but it were the kick mechanics and real-time physics that did it for me. Crunching some poor son of a bitch in the spine, sending him spiraling over a deep chasm? Hell yeah. I went through the demo just kicking people in the kidneys. Kicks do more damage than sword wounds too. I don't know how that makes sense, but it does make for fun. Check it.



Feets of fury, furiously footing ferocious feet-violence!

I drew this

I got so excited at work today thinking about Smash Bros. Brawl that I flipped! I had to draw some of the characters to show you how cool the game and I are.

Rock out with your Turok out!

I vaguely remember the first Turok game for the N64 other than "killing things with a bow and arrow is cool." Killing Dinosours with a bow and arrow is doubly cool albeit probably not very efficient. I was looking forward to trying the next generation Turok. Dinosaur in HD!!!

First I would like say that I really like the name Turok. I like yelling it. TUROOOOOK!!!!! It feels good. Try it! Makes ya feel tough. I can’t really explain it but I thought I would just interject that.

The game unfortunately is not as fun as screaming Turok. Your character is Joseph TUROK!!! A Native American warrior on your way to way to hunt down your old mentor and now terrorist outlaw. Yeah, this is not exactly the most original story-line but whatever it’s the future and that means cool weapons, right? Oh wait, so the bow and arrow is still the best weapon in the future. O- kaaaaay. And what’s with the basic machine guns? Come on people!! Don’t start me off on a space cruiser jumping out of light speed and then give me a couple shity Uzis. I will say that some of the knife kills are cool but the game never decided if it wants to be a stealth game or not leading to a bit of frustration. And no duck and cover? Also, the save points come too few and far between. I had to replay the same long sequence a bunch of times before I randomly got to the next save point.

I did have fun shooting dinosaurs and they do hide in the tall grass and jump out which gives it a cool feel of realism. That is to say that the dinosaurs of Jurassic Park are realistic. I guess we don’t know how they really were. They could have been cute cuddly lil bastards for all we know. Then I guess they could have named the game the Dinosaur Whisperer. Again, I digress.

The voice acting overall is pretty good and I saw that they employed some actual actors which is nice, like Ron Pearlman of Hellboy and Donnie Walberg of… um….. New Kids on the Block.

But when one of my objectives is to “Go find Radio” I cringe a bit. How many times have I had to fix a radio in video games. Again, it’s the fricken future! No high powered cell phones? Nanotechnology? Earpieces??!!!

Overall, the game isn’t bad but it doesn’t really take any risks or offer us anything new. Maybe its more like "Jazzersize with my Turok out."


TUUUUROOOOOK!!!!!!!

Smack Bros.

That’s what my lovely fiancé called Smash Bros. Brawl last night. She’s down though; she’s with it. She was being funny, and it made me laugh. One of the easiest ways to get me loling is to act like an ignorant mom (or dad, I guess… but moms are funnier) when it comes to video games and say the names incorrectly, as in:

“Quit playing the Marios and come to dinner!!”

“I’ve been trying to find a Super Imtendo for my kids.”

“Let your brother play Smack Brothers!”

“Do you have any Wii games?” (referring solely to the console)

Anyway, Smash Bros. is a blast to play, duh! I’m making a serious push to get my pals in on this game, as one of my main problems with previous Smash games was that I had no friends with whom to play. Fighting the computer is only interesting for so long.

After Paul Zander frowned a bit and called the game “horrible,” he came into his own using Pit, and I think he may be excited for more. Zombie Dreamer himself became a performance artist as he entertained me and Zander using Wario, one of the tougher characters to use. “The longer you wait, the bigger your fart will be,” I said, teaching him the ins and outs of Wario’s skills. “When you get the smash ball, you turn into Super Wario and all your powers are stronger,” I instructed, as Zombie Dreamer comically launched himself off the map in Wario’s motorcycle.

I haven’t been able to get Wi-fi matches to work, which I attribute to Nintendo’s horrible online service. So I’ll be hoping for more friends to come over to enjoy this great game. Please come over and play with me. I have donuts and homemade milks and juices.

Gravitation

Laser Bladers, you simply must play THIS new free indie game called Gravitation by Jason Rohrer. You may have played his previous game, Passage, and found it to be thought- and emotion-provoking. Both are free downloads that run on PCs and Macs.

This new game is better, and it is amazing how this simple thing can really make you feel emotions. While playing, once I figured out what the dynamic was, I felt very touched and entered a state of melancholy. I was very surprised by the way it affected me.

Poking around his website, I found Mr. Rohrer to be a true artist and seemingly self-actualized human being. His lifestyle and work are very non-traditional, and inspiring in a way. I suggest you check it out for yourself. It's great to see that there are some people really living on the edges out there, doing things their own damn way and doing them well.

That reminds me, I need to do something with my life.

How about you just kick me in the teeth instead? It would hurt less.

Although the title on my business card says "contributing writer," I am more commonly referred to--usually with a curled upper lip-- as a "blogger." The very word has a particularly negative connotation amongst the game community, and it's easy to see why. Any yutz with Internet access can have a blog, after all, and many a blogger has played fast and loose with the truth in the hopes of scoring traffic.

I know this, I accept this, but I strive to prove to people each and every day that bloggers being ethics-free is not an absolute. I'm pretty sure I've read a story or two about "reputable" journalists fudging sources or simply making shit up out of whole cloth, and yet people still toss around the word "journalist" as though it's solid gold. That's fine. I don't have a degree in journalism, I'm not aspiring to win a Pulitzer, I just want to do my job to the best of my ability, with integrity and sincerity.

Let's be honest, shall we? Telling people that Okami got delayed three weeks or that there's a new patch coming for Burnout Paradise is not exactly life-altering work. I do what I do, and I'm proud of it, but I'm not under the impression that my wordsmithery is going to change the world. That doesn't mean I don't take what I do seriously, though. I may write about video games for a living, but I'm a professional, dammit, and I conduct myself accordingly.

I bring up all of that not to complain about my job--I love it--but rather to try and give you some backstory that might better shed light onto why a simple comment made by a very lovely programmer at GDC made me want to cry in frustration.

I was in the Sony bloggers lounge, writing up an announcement from Insomniac Games. A young, shy, charming young programmer sat down with me, and we chatted a bit in the amiable way that strangers do when forced into a social situation. A colleague of hers passed by, and she joked with him about a comment he had made earlier. I asked what it was, and they both looked at me in alarm. He scuttled away after muttering something noncommittal, and she was clearly unsure of how to proceed. She didn't want to be rude, but she also didn't want something damaging showing up online.

To put her at ease, I said, "Strictly off the record, of course." I have no interest in humiliating developers for the sake of traffic. She told me the comment in question--it was a doozy, alright--and we chuckled over it. Then she said, completely unmaliciously, "Wait--does 'off the record' even work with bloggers?"

Sigh.

That sums it up right there. That, in a nutshell, is how I'm perceived by people who don't know me. That I'm just part of the problem, a member of a sleazy band of integrity-free assholes who will happily lie to your face as they compose an attention-grabbing, truth-skewing lede in their heads. All because I write for a blog and not a "real" publication.

It sucks. It hurts. It's frustrating as hell. It makes me wonder why I bother trying so hard to do things the right way when people are simply going to assume that I have a tenuous relationship with the truth.

The answer, I think, is that whether or not your efforts are appreciated, they still count. Doing your job well has value in and of itself, even if other folks don't care to notice.

At least that's what I like to believe.

Bits and Pieces

Time for a short rant. Actually several. And they all won't really be rants.
OK, my opening line is just plain wrong now, but I'm too lazy to delete. I'm not an editor after all!

(1) Is anyone else sick of games trying to be movies? It's embarrassing, yeah? I downloaded the teaser for Gears of War 2 recently. I was hoping for gameplay but was instead treated to one hyper-pretentious "cinematic" experience: silhouettes of Marcus Fenix and a Locust engaged in a chainsaw-duel, complete with the requisite war-is-hell-I'm-so-gritty monologue.

I guess that's fine and dandy if it's a film or something (a crappy film), but if one wants to tease a game, some in-game screens might be warranted. Of course now people are clamoring at the idea of engaging in chainsaw duels in the actual game. Is that a selling point?

Jesus, I'm already off-topic. This is supposed to be a short rant; don't get off the tracks. Anyway, I just finished Gears of War on hardcore (I know, I'm slow, sue me) and it really is a great game; tons of fun. It's everything around it, the total package as it were, that messes up the experience. So much went into the acting, dialogue, and cut scenes and for what? It's not like they told a story, it's not like we got any insight into characters, for as much as they spoke (Cole is just embarrassing. who wrote him?) nothing of importance was said. Of course, the cinematic cut-scenes were the most embarrassing: a threadbare story told through cut-scenes employing techniques from the worst from cinema (rapid-fire editing and "slick" filters).

Why not just make a game. Don't ape concepts and techniques from movies; don't tell a "cinematic" story, tell a story one can only tell through a game. Hell, do away with cut-scenes all together. They break immersion. One should not be "watching" a game. If games are "art" (as many game bloggers and journalists want to claim), why not develop game-based story techniques. One of the aspects that made Half-Life 2 so amazing to play was that the story never breaks; the player is always in control, even when listening to dialogue. It doesn't play like a movie, the story unfolds in the form of a game.

I picked on Gears of War here, which as i stated above is a really good game, it's just a shame that it weighs itself down with groan-inducing "cinematic" crap. A fun game becomes a lowest-common-denominator-movie. No fun. Maybe I'm off base, What do you all think?

(2) On a different note, I'm obsessed with playing through Marvel: Ultimate Alliance (bad cut scenes notwithstanding, ugh); it's a ton of fun at the later levels and once players unlock a bunch of higher-tier powers for their characters. I'm always up for multi-player and I think I'm going to run through the game a few times (seriously, that fun) before firing up Mass Effect.

(3) I still have 6 unplayed games; Aside from possibly Lost Odyssey (Susan, I needs the reviews from you), I want to pull a Brendan and not buy any game until I finish them. I'm slow though, but I have until the fall (Fable 2, Fallout3, and Sacred 2, oh my!) to accomplish this feat.

(4) Oh god Ironlore, we hardly knew ye! Titan Quest was the only game after Diablo II to get the rogue-like style of RPG down in such a spectacular and fun package. The expansion to Titan Quest was such a step in the right direction in terms of quality that a sequel would have been brain-meltingly good. It really is a shame this company folded so quickly.

Titan Quest is a phenomenal game and can run well on even modest machines. I highly recommend checking out. I've a crap load of Boddingtons at home, I'm going to get wasted and kill Harpies, woooooo

Drinking and gaming make my wife hate me.