First Impressions (Good)

How far can YOU get?

During last weeks NFC championship game, a bunch of friends and I were hanging out drinking when our friend Dorothy mentioned her obsession with the online date simulator. She added that she hadn't been able to get passed 2nd base. Yes, just as you are right now, I was immediately intrigued.

The first things out of my mouth of course were "Do you guys have a laptop with wireless?" Oh and did they ever!


Basically, you start off peeping in the window (creepy, but I've done it before) at your date who is waiting for you. The game consists of clicking different areas of the screen in order to progress. Different options lead to a different date all with the goal of..... Wait for it......... a sweet hot night of craZy sex with a capital Z.

If I sound creepy or desperate it's because you haven't tried it yet. Honestly, the girls were more interested in it then the guys (possibly because one of the greatest football games of the year was on). What was funny is that every dude was like, "I going to bag her on my first try." But as most people know it's not that easy. In the game it takes a careful balance of alcohol, food, dancing and truth or dare. Do we go for a swim? Hot tub? Maybe a nice drive? So many choices, so little battery life.

On my first date I also got to second base but I over did it with the whisky and she ended up passing out on the table. This was nice because in real life it's usually me.

My friend Maryanne went if for the boob grope WAY too soon and got an early end to the night. My girlfriend got dissed when according to Ariane, she ate too much of the stake. Fatty.

The highlight for me was when another friend decided to go for the casual gentlemen approach and take Ariane on a drive. And then stop for gas. And then stop for supplies. And then more driving. Then to a nice lookout. Then more driving. After that Ariane told him then that she was tired and going home. Brilliant! The most boring and disappointing dates aren't just for real life.

Well, go ahead and try it out. It's free but might not be suitable for work because if you're lucky there is some nudity. Just so you know though, I totally scored on my second try. She succumbed to my nerdy manliness.

Remember: Undertow free today through Sunday (XBLA)

Friends and fellows, do not forget to download Undertow for free this week. In case you hadn't heard, Microsoft is gifting us Xbox Live subscribers with this free game in response to the shoddy Live service that we have been experiencing since Xmas.

If you all download it tonight we can play a sweet multiplayer match. I heard it's a good time.

Video Dating a Gamer w/ Rainn Wilson

Amazing. Words cannot express my love for Tim and Eric.

Omega Five: good

I love the new XBLA game Omega Five.

It is a great mix of retro shmup and next-gen je ne sais quoi. The levels are flat, side- (or vertical-) scrolling, and the graphics are lovely. Gameplay is pretty standard: collect shit to power up your super-weapon, switch between three different types of guns, dodge the death pellets that your enemies spit at you, etc.

One of the several things that makes Omega Five cool is that you aren’t in a spaceship; you get to pick a character who has different skills and styles, much like a fighting game. You hover through the air. Of the two characters available at the start, Ruby seems to be the easier one with whom to play; Tempest is more stylized (and cool) but tougher to get a hang of. What excites me (in a geeky, innocent way, you pervs!) is that there are at least two more characters (or… maybe… three. For a total of FIVE! Omega Five! I get it!) you can unlock by beating the game. One of them only uses melee attacks, I heard! Just a rumor.

The two characters are quite distinct. Ruby is faster and her weapons traverse the entire screen. Tempest is slower but has a force field that slows bullets that enter its range. His weapons are more interesting too. One of them is green water. The other is silver crap. They shoot out in more of an arcing pattern and are more powerful than Ruby's. Can't wait to unlock more.

As it should be, this game is hard. Enemies are creative and varied, and there is much strategy in planning your attacks via powerups and weapons selection. I have only gotten to the very beginning of level three once, after about ten tries, using all my continues.

So, this is a great game. Spend money on it.

Huff out.

A bit of the ol' soft Shoe

In his editorial for the February issue of Electronic Gaming Monthly, Dan "Shoe" Hsu says that three game publishers snubbed the magazine after being on the receiving end of poor reviews. The result is that Midway's Mortal Kombat team, Sony's sports division, and Ubisoft will no longer be sending products to the magazine. Assuming it's true, it's a terribly childish and petty thing to do, but companies are allowed to send their games to whatever media outlets they wish.

This is exactly the kind of borderline ethical BS that the gaming media has whispered about for ages (and some of us have seen happen), but actually coming out and naming names is a bold and unexpected step. Rather than applaud the effort, though, some people are pointing the finger at Hsu, saying his editorial is nothing more than a calculated ploy to boost visibility during the post-Christmas doldrums. Others are making snide remarks about his integrity, accusing him of "selective transparency." The idea seems to be that Hsu isn't trying to make a stand for integrity as a reaction to Gerstmanngate, but rather that he's using a fragment of information for his own benefit.

My question is, so what if he is?

Let's assume, for the moment, that Hsu is a scorching hypocrite who's revealing the negative ways in which publishers interact with media, but hiding the positive ways (such as trips and swag) because they might make him look bad. Let's say he is, in fact, only naming names now in an attempt to draw attention to EGM, a magazine that is increasingly considered "irrelevant" by the hardcore gaming audience. So what?

The end result-namely the exposure of some questionable behavior by publishers--is the same no matter what the intent. Only Hsu knows for sure what's in his heart of hearts, but frankly his personal karma is of no relevance here. The relationship between the folks who make the games and the ones who write about them has always been sketchy, and we've been saying for years that it wouldn't change until someone, anyone, stood up and said "Ok, blackball me if you like, but I'm not going to say your game is good if it isn't." Someone is doing that. Does it really matter why?

Are we so jaded and cynical that we refuse to see the positive of a situation simply because there's a possibility of a negative? I've heard numerous stories about less-than-ethical behavior at Ziff Davis--some I believe, some I don't--but that doesn't make what Hsu did any less of a good thing.

Half Life 2 down, two episodes to go

I finally beat Half Life 2 last night. What a great game. One of my favorite things about it is that it gives you a real sense that you are traveling to a destination. Throughout much of the game you can see the Citadel in the distance and you get closer and closer to it as you progress. Very well made. The story is also compelling, what with the human freedom and liberty that is at stake.

One complaint is that it dragged... on... forever. The vehicle levels are a microcosm of the game as a whole--they just never seem to end. Maybe this is one of the mechanisms it uses that gives me the sense that I am really going somewhere, I dunno. The good thing is that it is made so well, and combat is darn fun, so it wasn't toooooo painful. I could have done without that last strider battle in the Citadel that you have to kill with the energy balls. All I wanted to do was finish it last night and it was really cramping my groove (I died a lot).

I liked HL2 so much that I jumped right into Episode one, if only to see the intro. Kind of bummed that they send you right back into the Citadel... I suppose it's a good effect. Plus, looking up into the air at the interdimensional wackiness happening at the top of the building is cool and creepy.

Do I dive back into Mass Effect, or stick with Episodes 1 and 2? Or play a little of everything? So many choices...

I'm inserting this "Half Life in 60 seconds" because it is hilarious, in German, and the "Blah blah blah, Mr. Freeman" at the end is spot on.

Dr. Steve Brule tackles video games

From the Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job. John C. Reilly is my new fave.

Mass Effect glitch: Urdnot Wrex wants more shoot

I was playing a game called Mass Effect the other day, and a silly glitch happened. After battle my Krogan buddy didn't want to take his claw off the trigger of his pistol.

I busted out my new toy, the Flip Video camera, and captured it for all the Internet to see!

Forgive the Lateness of My Reply...

I've returned from the void, and that's all I'll say about that...

I was intending for my comeback post to be extravagant, but the fact of the matter is, like most of my fellow laser-bladers (pyew pyew), I've been stuck (stuck I say!) in holiday cheer (humbug) and newly-purchased games. Mass Effect is on the back-burner because regardless of what reviews may have said (consensus is mediocre), the recently-released Conan video game is totally awesome.

I'm playing and chopping people's arms off and shit; the controls are really tight, so the game is a pleasure to play, but it's Conan's voice-actor and one-liners that really make it memorable. He insults the manliness and virility of men he's just eviscerated. Wonderful stuff, really. This doesn't make the game awesome though, just enjoyable and worth the 30 bucks I spent.

In Conan, one is tasked with rescuing "maidens." Maidens are topless women with large breasts wearing g-strings. Typical, really. When you rescue them, they stand up by pointing their ass right at the camera; pixelated porn, right? This happens and I roll my eyes. Misogyny in video games and all that. But then, one of the women spoke to me.

She said: "Ah, Conan, I've heard of you, crush me with your love."

I love this game, and subsequently, this post acts as an addendum to my previous post on <3'ing video game dialogue.