What the F, Video Games?

I am not happy with video games, oh no no no, not at all. The last two new games I've played have turned out to blow.

I was browsing Xbox Live trying to find some cheap or free games to download (me spend money, pffh) when I stumbled across a freebie by the name of Yaris. Yaris was described to me as a shooter. I love shooters! What I didn't know what that Yaris is a goddamn Toyota car. I played a game designed to sell Toyotas.

Fine, whatever; if the game is good, being forced to endure pro-Toyota propaganda should be secondary right? Well, no, but the point is moot any way because the game is terrible. I want my money back. The entire game is a rip-off of a mini-game from Sonic the Hedgehog 3. Players control the shit-tastic looking Toyota Yaris through a half-tube picking up coins and either avoiding or blasting obstacles.

What the hell is a Yaris anyway? I mean besides an affordable-priced car for middle-class suburbanites? I hate this car; I hate this game. Go suck an egg Toyota.

The other game I played was FEAR Files, which to my understanding is a pair of standalone expansion packs to the game FEAR (duh). I have not played FEAR and am actually less likely to because this pair of expansion missions? They suck. I have a bunch of notes explaining why this title is not worth your spit dear readers, but I don't even feel like typing all that out. Rest assured this game is like Half-LIfe 2 without the story or interesting weapons and features 1/3 the gameplay of the recently-released TimeShift. A review? Fuck FEAR Files.

I thought we had a deal video games? You provide the fun, and I'll give you sexual favors. I received no fun this week. I hate you video games.

This is a joke, right? It's not? Oh, ffs...

So yesterday the internets were a-buzzin' about the new GTA IV trailer. So exciting! What will it be? Gameplay? Characters? Setting? Nope, it was the box art.

The box art. The cover of the box. That's it.

Please, someone, tell me that this is a joke. Yes, Grand Theft Auto is a monster money maker, and in the pantheon of Important Games, it stands alongside greats like Halo and World of Warcraft, but to think that the box art is worthy of its very own trailer smacks of arrogance. Or it would, if it hadn't created such a splash.

People ate it up, for god's sake. ZOMG, the cover of the box! Woooooo! Apparently playing video games really does make you stupid, if you get that excited, if you give Rockstar the damn time of day, to see the cover of the new GTA.

I just want to slap so many people right now.

I Rocked Band

Most of you that know me are aware that I am not a fan of “Rock and Rolling” music, preferring more of a Soft Adult Contemporary/Smooth Jazz sound. Anything on B101 in Philadelphia gets me going. Shania, Whitney, and Celine are my mainstays. When I really want to get wild I’ll put on some Phil Collins.

Nevertheless, I had an opportunity to play Rock Band last night, and let me tell you, it was a hoot. I had previously played it at the Video Game Expo in Philadelphia a few weeks back. It was great to play it in a more intimate setting rather than the crowded touring van Harmonix was using to promote the game. Paul Zander’s friend (and I hope mine too) Dan allowed us to come over and play it on his PS3. They drank beer while I enjoyed some sugary wine coolers.

My main interest was in playing the drums, of course. Having already mastered the guitar in Guitar Hero I through III, I wanted to explore the new brain spaces the cute drum kit would take me. Sadly our host declared that he was the drummer for our band (Godhead Meatfist), but he did allow me to step in once in a while.

I created my character to look like what I thought a hip rock and rolling guitar player would look like. I named him Brad Nipples. As stated earlier, I’m not really into guitar music (I like music as fake and unchallenging as possible), but I think I did pretty well regardless. Paul Zander made a vocalist that was fairly close to his burly-yet-sensitive Latino visage. He named him Miguel Norsehead. The name reflects his half-Latin-half-white-people heritage.

We then started rocking. At first the rock music frightened me by taking me out of my comfort zone (which consists of thoughts about babies, my mother, and chivalry). After a while though I started to “get it.”

Being used to the Guitar Hero controllers I found the Rock Band one to be a bit harder to use. But that might be a good thing in the long run. The difficulty level was much lower than GH, which I can understand; it will prevent boastful jerks from making the whole band fail when he or she decides to tackle whichever song on expert. The multiplayer element is what this game is about, and it succeeds. Paul Zander not only hit the notes singing songs he did not know, but provided amusing curse words and other jive talk, taking on the role of frontman. He was no Rod Stewart, but really who could be?

I just gotta get my hands on them drums more!

I declare the game a success.

How Professor Ryuta Kawashima saved my relationship

Now, from reading the headline you would wonder how a prominent Japanese neuroscientist could possibly save a relationship and what does this have to do with video games. Well, dummies, you probably would have figured this out if your brains weren't so old.

I a talking about Brain Age the game for the DS. This is a fun little game that professes to keep your brain in shape by performing certain reading and mathematic exercises a few minutes a day. On your first day of exercise, you take a series of tests and get a score that determines how old your brain is. This number is called your "DS Brain Age." Now I haven't seen any "official" reports on this but I am pretty sure that this is an exact science. Possibly more significant than I.Q. scores or the SAT. I wouldn't be the least bit surprised that if in the coming years universities will switch to this method to determine the best overall applicants. I understand that this is already common practice in order to get your Wii degree from Big Brain Academy. Look at this fancy brain pic and try to tell me I'm wrong. I mean who can argue with the Angular Gyrus.



Who is behind all this ground-breaking research. Yes, you guessed it. Your favorite Japanese scientist professor brain expert Ryuta Kawashima from the famed Swedish Karolinska Institute. Haven't heard of it. Add +4 years to your Brain Age immediately.

Kawashima as he appears in Brain Age


The dashing Kawashima in real-life.

So how did this save my relationship? My girlfriend (really hot) can't get her friggin hands off the damn thing. She is obsessed. She once got her Brain Age to 36 ( 11 years off her actual age) and wouldn't shut-up about how smart she was. But what she really loves is Virus Busters. A secret hidden Dr. Mario rip-off that SHE FOUND in one of the training modes. She found a hidden game.... After intense questioning and looking at the history in her web browser, I believed her when she swore that she had never even heard of gamefaqs.com before.

I should also probably mention that she hates video games. She tried Guitar Hero once and got pissed off because she kept on failing. Now she's showing me her Hi-Scores and goes in for late night gaming seshes. Our love bond has grown stronger.

So if you are looking to introduce a non-gamer girlfriend/boyfriend into our gaming world, I would definitely recommend Brain Age².

Blogged with Flock

OMG Marios

Susan got Mass Effect, and said it was good.

I got Super Mario Galaxy, and I say that it is good.

I came home for Thanksgiving to my folks' house. Brought the Wii down with some family fun games (Wario and Sports) as well as Zack and Wiki and Metroid Prime 3. I was planning on doing some serious game-finishing, as I stated before that I wasn't going to get any new games 'fore I beat the old ones.

Well, within 20 minutes of arriving at my parents' house, my sis handed me a wrapped box and said "happy early birthday." Inside was Le Galaxy d' Mario.

This is the most fun game I have ever played.

Other games have things that are fun. Shooting guns at aliens is fun. Hitting things with swords is fun as well. All well and good, but there comes a point when I tire of the game and turn it off.

Every single thing in Super Mario Galaxy is fun, forever. I never want to stop playing. It's like reading the Bible: I can't put it down. The way it is set up is ingenious. You must collect stars. Each star takes about 5-12 minutes to get. This is the perfect amount of time for my attention span, so what happens is I get a star, put the controller down and clap my hands like a three-year-old and laugh out loud and say "again, again!" And then I go for another star.

So, once again: Every single thing is Super Mario Galaxy is fun, forever.

Poultry Punisher

I spent this turkey day playing this awesome new game!!!

Mass Effect nothing, this is the game to play!

Super Turbo Turkey Puncher!

So good, it's stupid

I've been writing about games for a long time, more than five years. I've described the best, the worst, and that very large area of "meh, s'okay" in between. And yet when tasked with describing what it's like to play Mass Effect, the best I can come up with is:

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

It's so good, it's stupid, people. Now, you might've seen some comics over at Penny Arcade that say Mass Effect has a learning curve that's not so much steep as it is straight up and down, and they're not really lying about that. When the game begins, you're given a monumental amount of information about the control scheme, and then promptly thrown into a firefight. You'll be able to get through that first mission without knowing how to do much more than aim and shoot, so just concentrate on mastering that for the time being. You can worry about switching weapons, doling out equipment, installing upgrades, and assigning skills later.

I'm almost five hours into the game now, and the controls wheels are finally becoming second nature. It's kind of like driving--it all seems hopelessly complex until you suddenly wrap your head around it, and then it's the most natural thing in the world. If you've played KOTOR, you'll have an easier time with Mass Effect, because it's definitely a natural progression of that game's interface and controls. It's almost like Jade Empire never happened, really.

This is also one of the few games where I really do recommend you read the instructions, as a lot of the controls aren't covered adequately--or at all--by the tutorials. I know we resolved not to get new games until we'd finished the old ones, but believe me my Laser Blade (pyew pyew!) brothers, you really need to be playing Mass Effect.

Instant Happiness

Feeling down? Ruminating on the fact that we’re all going to die alone? Then you need to watch these fantastic musical videos. I can’t explain them, so just watch.

I saw them over at Kotaku and my sour mood was lifted instantly. The Japanese person that created these is a mad genius artisan.

As a musician and gamer I thank you, talented Japanese person.

Check out the homepage of the fella on Youtube for a few more.

Oh, Balls!

Yeah, the headline is a juvenile and obvious joke to make. Sue me.

The concept behind Factory Balls is simple: drag the ball over the proper tools in the proper order to create the desired result. Oh, but there's a catch! You only have so many balls, and if you screw up, you have to toss your mistake in the recycle bin, grab a new ball and start over.

This is one of those titles that illustrates the truism that a game need be neither long nor complex in order to be marvelously entertaining. And graphics? Pffft. You could practically do this in MS Paint, people. If you need a quick, smart, fun break from work (and I know what you people do for a living, so I'm thinking you do), check it out.

Live version of the awesome Portal end song

Awesomeness. Here is a clip of the guy who wrote the Portal song playing it live. Watch for enjoyment:



Also, here is the game version, because it's so candy. Ooh, I just made that up. "Yo, that new Mario game is CANDY!" Candy is the new hip adjective, like how Paris Hilton describes things as "hot."

Philly makes Kotaku

A couple of posts on Kotaku have plenty of intersting and stupid comments about Philadelphia. Apparently some posters for the Hitman movie were removed after police complained about their content. This would be due to the recent murder of Officer Cassidy.

Check out the comments to find one by yours truly!

FIRST POST

SECOND POST

AAAARRGGGGHHHH

It's pretty easy to see that Laser Blade (pyew pyew) Games loves the shit out of The Orange Box. We all play it often enough to have kept it on our game-card-thingy's for quite a while (Susan, get back into it!!!). But deep-fried Jesus Christ on a cantaloupe, I am this close (makes a small one-half inch space with thumb and index finger) to throwing the goddamn disc out a goddamn window.

This is a good thing.

Good because Half-Life 2 is making my work for my achievement points. As I stated in an earlier post, I am something of an achievement whore; I go out of my way to get my points. So, in my playthrough of Half-Life 2, first play through I might add, I decide to try to go through the whole of Ravenholm using only the gravity gun. It's not bad until those skinless zombie bastards show up. The fast ones, with the screaming and the hitting. Oh I hate them. They make everything so goddamned hard.

I'm almost through; I think I'll get the achievement in the end. Here's hoping at least; although, I am sorely tempted to go back through the level when I'm done and shotgun the shit out of every thing I lay my goddamn eyes upon. Oh murder, you and I will be close friends.

Frusturation.

FYI: cheap next-gen systems, maybe

Wow, check this out.

Amazon.com is doing one of their voting schemes that asks you to pick a pricing deal on the three current-gen systems. Wii for $79, 360 for like $90 and a PS3 for $179. I voted for the PS3. If you vote they ask you to come back to the site on Nov. 22 to see if you won a chance to buy the winning deal. Pretty cool.

I voted on the PS3 for $179. I really hope I don't win, because there is no reason for me to have all three gaming systems. Right? I would feel so... dirty. Tainted with the shameful stain of capitalism.

Succinctness is Standard

In recent years story has become something of a selling point in games. Gamers now expect plot, character arcs and motivations, and a sense of cohesive narrative structure. Well, these things are all fine and good, but I'm not reading a (pfah) book. These are games, words be damned!

In continuing my in-depth and stunning (by my own admission) look into the heart of what I <3 about video games, I come to one of my favorite subjects: economy of story.

Video games have rarely required a story and I am tired of seeing complex plotlines and characterizations shoved into my games. Aside from the original Knights of the Old Republic, it doesn't work! (I love that damn game. SPOILERS! Knights is awesome.) I'm playing games; stop making me think developers. I'm so sick of books and words sneaking into my game playing. Even Doom 3 had words! WTF?

Anyway, Economy of story is one of the things I (used to) <3 about games. See the below perfect example from Low G-Man! Many games used to adhere to this great rule of the medium, but sadly the writers have taken over. Bummer, brah.



oh video games, economy of story is just one of many reasons I've <3'd>

Go dance with the angels... I'm sorry what?

I recently rented Ace Combat 6 for the 360, which is a fighter jet simulator game. It basically comprises of you flying around and shooting land and air targets. The thing is that every mission is basically the same. Either there are more land targets or more air targets which require different types of planes. Some are faster or have a bigger payload but the difference is negligible. Sounds pretty boring, right? Then why did I find myself rushing home after work to play a new mission while more acclaimed games were sitting on my shelf? It wasn’t the achievement points because I didn’t even check to see what they were and it definitely wasn’t for this review. I just wanted to finish it. I played it to beat it and returned it as soon as I was done. But I loved it for being mindless and fun! No puzzles, no dungeons, and no side quests just really pretty looking. Oh you video games, I just love you.

Actually, the one thing in the game that really stood out was the storyline. It was so horrible and ridiculous that it kind of embarrassed me. Like when you're watching a friend do something stupid and you just can't watch. The catch phrase of the game is “Go dance with the angels!” I still don’t get it. Also, your character never speaks which is odd because every other goddamn pilot is squawking into their radio to let you know that you have a missile on your tail. No shit, the annoying beeping noise on my dash is telling me just fine, thanks. And why can’t the storyline involve me, the main character. I want to be a dickhead, hotshot pilot who only cares about afterburners, chicks, and kill counts.

So there it is. A bad review about a game that really enjoyed. I’m sure we’ve all played them.

For your veiwing pleasure. This is just silly.

Quick Notes

-Big Punch 2026 has overtaken P Zander on the gamerscore boards! As is rightfully so. Roommates playing Halo 3 under your gamertag, not cool. Oh also, Happy Birthday to Paul Zander!!!!!!

-Contra 4 for the DS looks friggin’ great. The best thing I read about it was that once you are out of continues, the game is over. No save points, no checkpoints, nothing. Also it is apparently very hard. Hopefully this will cause me to curse out loud on the train. In keeping with my pact with myself, I will not buy a new DS game until I beat Phantom Hourglass, which is coming along fairly well.

-Half Life 2 continues to please me. I took out two airships with laser-guided RPGs last night, much to the satisfaction of my soul. I didn’t have to destroy them, but I was going for one of the achievements, of course (destroy 6 airships). I died so many times… and cursed much. I think I judge how awesome a game is by how much it makes me curse. It means I am emotionally invested in it. Also, the music in Half Life 2 is so creepy and awesome, but so infrequent. They should have made the tracks loop in the background, they sound so good.

-I beat Halo 3, and I must say I like the single player campaign. It is very old school. The story sucks, which is fine by me. I am now going through to get the campaign scoring achievements, and it is proving to be even more fun. There is nothing like trying to play your best and watching the score reflect your skillz. Anyone want to play campaign scoring mode with me?

-Mario Galaxy is out, and I haven’t bought it. Looks like I won’t be buying any games for myself for the rest of the year. Between my bday (Dec. 10) and Xmas, I hope to get everything my oily heart desires.

Pact with myself

Consider this post a legal binding contract.

I will not buy the following games that I want:
Assassin's Creed
Super Mario Galaxy
Mass Effect
Unreal Tournament III

Until I finish the games the I am currently playing:
Orange Box (all parts)
Halo 3
Metroid Prime 3
Zack and Wiki

I am bad at this. I make so much ridiculous money these days it is nothing to fork over $100 a week on games. I mean, I spend $100 a day on lunch. It's the principle of the matter.

MUST FINISH GAMES BEFORE GETTING NEW ONES

I Got 99 Problems...

I've an issue that plagues most modern, older people who play video games. The plus side to being such a person, meaning I have a steady job and income, is that I have money to buy video games if not wholesale as they come out at least in a fairly regular fashion if I choose; the negative side then being that I also have such fun things as rent (soon to be mortgage, yikes!), car payments, utilities, and other adult things to cover and so I have to be exercise a lot more discretion regarding my regular-or-not purchases than I did at, say, 16 years of age (I bought Spider for the PSX).

What's the point of all of this? What the hell could be so interesting? A little bit ago I posted a blurb on the demo for Conan for the Xbox360. I liked it and in no uncertain terms made clear my intention to purchase said game. Well, the game's released and I still haven't bought it. I usually check reviews just to get an impression of a game before I buy it and every review has informed me that Conan barely lasts six hours. Huh? six hours? Not even ten? Those four hours make a difference dammit!

Sixty bucks for a game I can possibly complete in a weekend? I..I can't justify that!I've tried, but at roughly ten bucks an hour for gemplay, going to the theatre and catching a film becomes (barely) cheaper.

I really want to play Conan, but it looks like the only way that's going to happen is either through a rental, or after the game suffers a drastic decrease in price. There's just too many other games at the sixty-dollar price point I'd get more out of and want to play as well (Bioshock and Mass Effect come to mind).

Although, part of me wants to purchase the game to do my part in driving up sales in the hopes that some other publisher will notice that games based ancillarily on old Arnold Schwarzenegger pictures have a foothold in the current market and make that 3-D third-person (because we need to see Ah-nuld's bulging biceps, do not hide our hero!) action game of my dreams. The game would only have minimal control functions: the triggers used for shooting and jumping, and the directional pad used to choose weaponry, while the other 6 (or 8) available buttons would operate level, context, weapon, and kill-specific catch phrases. You get to choose with what pun you dispatch enemies. Oh man, I'm excited now.

In summation: I'm a cheap bastard with an Arnold fetish: help me.

Ack! I stand corrected

MTV's Multiplayer Blog does a series on the proper way to pronounce various things in the world of gaming, like the name of Kotaku's Brian Crecente or Level Up's N'Gai Croal. This week's episode teaches us the right way to pronounce Ninja Gaiden (ok, got that one), Tomonobu Itagaki (yep, got that one too) and Helena from Dead or Alive. Oh, crap. Seems like I've been getting that one wrong all these years.

This, along with Kotaku's "Justify Your Game" series and, of course, Yahtzee on The Escapist, are my favorite regular gaming video segments. They never fail to make me grin.

LB:GD at VGXPO

From left: Paul Zander, Brendan Huffman, Matt Olcese, Susan Arendt

We hit up the VGXPO at the PA Convention Center in Philly this past Saturday. I had a blast. It was my first gaming convention since the Nintendo World thing where they had the championship back in like, 1990. The place was kind of strangely arranged, but good nonetheless.

There weren't any major console games showing aside from Rock Band, which we played about 4 times. Maybe if we are super-lucky Susan will post a video clip. Most of the other new stuff was for the PC, and it was being shown by makers of PC components, not game developers. I got to play Unreal Tournament III, which I think was my favorite. I got to try Crysis, mostly unplayable.

Zander and I participated in a one-round Team Fortress 2 tourney (on PC) which was poorly organized and confusing. But again, fun.

Hopefully the LB:GD board will approve more trips to gaming events, and we will go, faithful readers, and report with a wit and clarity unparalleled on the web.

Check out Susan's post over at Wired about the Jack Thompson video game violence debate and this post about the show in general. Well reported.

Joyous Day!

Laser Blade (pyew pyew) Games had their first meet and greet at the Videogame Expo (VGXPO, two words, five-letter acronym!) in Philadelphia this weekend. Fun times indeed, plus I got to see how my ex, PC gaming, was doing (still pissed about that hussy Xbox I've been seen with lately).

I have to admit though, PC Gaming was doing pretty well, even with one full-on cock-up. I had the pleasure of playing both Crysis and Hellgate: London. Crysis had some trouble running even on the beefed up Alienware and XPS machines featured at the Expo. I had it crash on me on two different machines! Of course, it is only a demo, so some lingering bugs or memory leak issues may need to be worked out; however, in leiu of the rumors that Crysis was originally a fancy tech demo some developers decided to throw some gameplay on, it was quite hilarious to experience the graphical juggernaut fail on two top-of-the-line PCs. LOL indeed!

Hellgate: London though.... Oh Hellgate: London you naughty, naughty bird. I loved this game. Unabashadly. It's Diablo II with guns and in a city. Diablo II is my favorite PC game, so there's really not much more than that needed to satisfy me, and I was doubly satisfied. I was near in tears leaving the EXPO because I was sure my 3.0 Ghz, 128 MB of video memory computer would not be able to run such forbidden beauty.

After downloading and running the demo at home, I now know this to not be true. I will soon buy this game, and in doing so will be cheating on my Xbox with that previous love: the PC. Oh PC gaming, I could never abandon you forever.

I'm such a man-whore.

You want me to do what?

I have been playing Zelda: Phantom Hourglass for the DS the past week, and am enjoying it. It’s a nice, well-designed game with great graphics, and I’m excited to finally be using the DS again since beating Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin. I had been trying to find a title that would hold my interest after being disappointed by Contact and Puzzle Quest. I play it mostly on the train, since I have a half hour ride to get to work.

I only get slightly embarrassed playing videogames in public on handhelds. I guess it’s because I fear being labeled a childish, useless moron with no future or chance at ever having a meaningful, healthy sexual relationship with another human. But like I said, it’s only a slight embarrassment, and I play to my heart’s content. That is, until videogames start requesting that I blow them.

There I am on the crowded train, kicking butt on the Isle of Gust in Phantom Hourglass. I am slashing and spinning and throwing bombs and it is wonderful. I am then informed I must blow on three windmills to be able to unlock a door that I need to pass. (For those unfamiliar, the DS has a microphone hole that can recognize speech (sort of) but is mostly used for blowing. Oh and yelling colors in Brain Age.)

Shame and embarrassment crept in, and I was unsure of what to do. I approached the first windmill and circled it a few times. I looked up to see if my fellow train passengers were looking. I lifted the DS to my mouth and pretended to blow some dust off of it. The windmill moved ever so slightly.

With sadness in my heart I realized that I was going to be too self-conscious to fairly vigorously blow three times on the DS on the crowded train. I cursed the game designers for over-using the blow technique. Sure, it’s fine one time, but three? I wanted to keep playing but couldn’t. I hit start, saved, and quit.

I guess I’ll have to blow on my DS in the comfort of my own home.