Yes Please

Hnh.

I think I'm going to do a series regarding aspects I love about video games. I've already posted about how I love piss-poor voice acting in games, and now I've found something else: robotic babies.

Captain Commando had a robotic baby and so does the game showcased below: Cho Aniki. Two instances constitute a motif for me.

I <3 you video games



...

(I know, why didn't I choose Michaelangelo's representation of Adam riding around in a vehicle carved from a hollowed-out moon? Find me an instance of this in another game and I'll post my love for it.)

Edumicate me, Master Cheif

Halo 3 shines harsh light on games in education

Did you know:

-In one week, more people will purchase a copy of Halo 3 than there are teachers in the United States.
-Every public school in the U.S. would have to purchase 100 copies of a game to match the sales of Halo 3
-There will be one Halo 3 game purchased for every 5 students, or about 3 games per class (US kindergarten to high school.)

Personally, as a part-time educator I think that this only reflects on the TIZIGHT quality of Halo 3. If I could teach the same important skills that Master Chief has taught me during our short time together…. I might be the best teacher that ever existed. Possibly even better than Master Splinter.

Interesting article though.

Miss Who?

I was in Boston this week, ostensibly to give a speech about the Wii to a bunch of IT execs at their annual meeting. In reality, I was in Boston to be largely ignored by a group of IT execs who were exhausted from a day of seminars and who thought--quite rightly, too--that drinking free booze and playing video games was far more entertaining than listening to me.

After I scurried off stage, I mixed and mingled with the folks in the crowd, playing some Guitar Hero and eating tasty things on sticks. At one point, I found myself in conversation with a charming Brit who found my job fascinating, amusing, and absurd. Again, quite rightly. He then posed a question I find myself faced with far more often than I'd like: What's my favorite game?

I hate this question. Trying to answer this question truthfully to someone who knows nothing about games is roughly equivalent to explaining the color blue to a blind man. The truth of the matter is there's no quick and easy answer. Favorite game for what platform? Which genre? Are we talking game I enjoyed the most, or the game I've played the most (they are, oddly enough, not the same game). Whether or not the person asking really wants to know or is just being polite I can never quite tell, so I usually fall back on something that is not entirely a lie, and with which they can identify.

I tilted my head to the side, appeared to ponder for a moment, and said, "Ms. Pac-Man."

He replied, "Oh, Pac-Man?" No, I said, Ms. Pac-Man. This sent him into snorts of derision. "Miss Pac-Man? What, they made a girly version? Is it pink or something?" I thought for a moment that he might be kidding or, since he was British, taking the piss, but no, he'd just plain never heard of Ms. Pac-Man. Fortunately, at that point his pal came up and saved the situation by telling me that his marriage had ended, in part, because he wouldn't stop playing Ace Combat while his in-laws were visiting.

F***!!!!!!

If the PS3 had the games this stupid excuse for a "working machine" had I would dump the 360 so fast.

Terrible job, Microsoft. Terrible.

Every single one of my friends has now had their 360s break. 33% failure rate my ass. More like 80-100% it seems to me.

Angry

I Like Beer

Title says it all but maybe, just maybe, I should expand on that a bit.

Buddy of mine, Evan, is coming over to my place Saturday. He's excited. He's got this grand plan. He's got a drinking game based around Guitar Hero II. Co-op or head-to-head play: at the end of the song whichever percentage the players are off from 100, they drink that many swigs of beer. For example, 91 % means nine swigs of beer. Advance from Medium to Hard to Expert at your leisure. Simple enough. We could do liquor (but I hardly know her!), but that stuff tastes nothing but bad. Beer at least has taste.

Drinking and games just go together like sex and violence; like pork and beans; like an oiled Arnold Schwarzenegger and giant heaving cocks.

Anyway, drinking games need more ties to video games, and I'm here to educate and elucidate!

Jackal (NES): I've already went on about the awesomeness of this game and beer is proven awesome x5. I don't even want to imagine Jackal that awesome, but it is possible. One can take a swig of beer every time they crush an enemy beneath the wheels of their mighty jeep or a swig for every hostage rescued. It's a surefire way to be drunk by Level 3. Although, experienced players can take it upon them selves to down an entire beer every time their blood actual boils during battle. Good luck!

Fable (Xbox): I'll be a little belligerent here; if you didn't like this game, go to hell: it was fun. Anyway, Every time someone in-game compliments your sexiness, take a swig. You'll be drunk by the time you purchase your first house. Alternatively you can take a swig anytime you don't understand the thick English accents of the voice actors. Buh-wuh?

Fester's Quest (NES): Take a swig every time you die. Seriously. This game is too hard; I need to be drunk just to enjoy it.

Yo Noid (NES): Screw this game. I don't want your Domino's pizza. Unless it's the 5-5-5 deal. I love that deal. Drink just to forget this game was made.

Alright, I'm drunk now, time to end this. I'm playing Yo Noid right now and it's making me hate pizza. That's quite a feat.

Multiplay

Halo 3 is good. I'm mainly talking about the multiplayer. Moving on!!!

Instead of giving even more press to the above-mentioned title, I just though I would share some Brendan thoughts.

Multiplayer is my favorite way to play videogames these days. Goldeneye for the Nintendo 64 made me fall in love with everything about it. I'm wondering what it is about FPS games that I like so much--and am worried that it is the killing.


The violence that I inflict upon other gamers' avatars pleases me. I consider myself a pretty peaceful guy who could never pick up a gun to kill another person. Well... there are certain circumstances... and I DEFINITELY would kill aliens if they invaded and it was clear they only wanted to destroy humans and there weren't any cultural misunderstandings impeding a friendly and spirited interaction. So what I am saying is killing is bad ok?

So why do I love these types of games so much? Many reasons, and by addressing them my base human motivations and feeble mental processes would become evident to the investigator, quite comically I suspect.

What kind of first-person games could developers create that capture the fun of triple-sniping n00bs while at the same time teaching wholesome and non-violent ways at conflict resolution?

Or, like I am about to do, you can just say who the f*** cares. I have no problem separating games from reality.

...

Even though reality is THE MATRIX

Medal of Honor: Yes, I know Halo is out but I can still talk about other games.

The first Medal of Honor game I played was for the PS2. I remember it being super tight. Like right out of “Saving Private Ryan” tight. You start off in a boat transport on the way to Normandy and all the soldiers are puking or praying. Then the Sarge starts a countdown…. “get ready!” Blamo, all hell breaks loose. You are blown into the water. People are drowning, getting shot, getting shot while drowning. I was scared. I knew this game was really awesome when during one part a medic tries to save this wounded soldier then all of a sudden he gets shot in the head. It almost gave me Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome. It was awesome!

("Saving Private Ryan" and Medal of Honor :Frontline)

Since then, I have at least tried the following disapointing line ofMedal of Honor games and I admit I was excited to see how a next-gen MOH game would look and play. “Airborne,” the newest in the series FINALLY arrived from Gamefly (after 2 weeks) and the graphics are pretty stunning. Though I must say that as much as I liked being a good ‘ole All-American white farmer boy from Iowa or something (this time I'm Boyd Travers) I kind of think it’s time they pick someone who is of a different ethnicity or social class. How about Private Nuñez from the Bronx?

ANYWAY, the best part of a war FPS is the total chaos. People shooting from all angles and huge battles that start off looking really desperate like in “Resistance, Fall of Man.” While MOH Frontline doesn’t quite capture the original’s “ We’re all going to die!!” first scene, I do like the new non-linear storyline and the addition of a duck and cover is great. Jumping out of a plane is cool but even in training they never really explain how to land and the jumps are real short.

My main problem with the title is that the ally AI can be pretty bad. I understand that because the levels are no longer scripted that it’s harder to program AI. But sometimes when you are waiting behind a wall trying to attack a German, your AI American soldier will just run out get killed or generally be kind of annoying. Like, dude! what are you doing, wait!? MEDIC!!

Another negative is that all your allies will disappear all of a sudden. One minute you will be hearing orders and people screaming all around you then the next second you are by yourself on a battlefield fighting about 100 Nazis.

Also, where's the blood?

MOH: Airborne and Pilot Wings


Overall, it’s fun but the bottom line is I want more from a big EA title.

Get Caught Up on Halo in 60 Seconds

If you're new to the series, or are just fuzzy on what-all happened plot-wise in Halo and Halo 2, clicky. That should tell you everything you need to know.

Halo 3 Limited Disaster!

If you a) pre-ordered yourself the Limited Edition of Halo 3, and b) plan on picking it up at midnight, you definitely want to crack that puppy open while you're still at the store. Not to revel in the New Game Smell, but to make sure that your discs aren't scratched eight ways to Sunday.

You know, I never really did know what that expression meant. But I digress.

It seems that some faults in the packaging case the discs to shake lose and go roaming around the box during shipping. While perhaps quite fun for the discs, they tend to get rather banged up in the process. I don't know about you, but I'm not fond of handing over $70 for pre-scratched discs. For that amount of money, I'll do the scratching myself, thank you very much!

We got a press copy here at the house and, sure enough, it had more scratch marks than a poison ivy sufferer's leg.

If you're not sure which version you got, the regular edition is $60 and comes in a traditional green 360 box. The Limited Edition comes in the sexy tin, and the Legendary Edition has the cat helmet.

Matt Dooms Us All!

Being two years behind the curve, I finally bought myself an Xbox 360 this weekend. I have to say, I'm impressed with the sexiness of this little box.

I figured, I could "review" the Xbox 360, but that's pointless; everyone and their mother already had one except for me. So basically what I did this weekend was catch up to the gaming community at large.

Fantastic.

I'm probably going to cost Laser Blade (pyew pyew) Games it's cutting-edge title. I mean, we're a named after a goddamn laser blade; a device that cuts so hot the wound is cauterized before it can even bleed! But now, due to my inept gaming cred, we're just Flashlight Blade (flashlight's don't cut!) Games. With this post I've destroyed Brendan's dreams of gaming blog superiority. Sorry dude.

One Way of Celebrating Halo Day

Tuesday is, of course, Halo Day, and most folks will be "sick" (just remember, folks can see when you're online) in celebration. I, however, will be in Boston, speaking to a group of IT folks about the Wii. I was contacted pretty much clear out of the blue and asked to speak at the annual meeting for a data management company whose work I still don't understand. After plying their attendees with drinks and nummies, they're going to let them loose in some place called the Cyclorama and let them play Guitar Hero and Wii games all night. I'm the warm up act, speaking to them for about 15 minutes about how the Wii has changed the game industry.

Always knew that Toastmasters training would come in handy someday.

After the speech, I'll be mixing and mingling, and helping folks learn how to play. Playing games on other consoles is perhaps a perverse way of celebrating on the of the largest game releases in memory, but I take pleasure in knowing that I'll be introducing some folks to our glorious hobby. Will they ever advance from Wii Sports to Halo, Haze, or Half-Life? Probably not, but that's ok. All gaming is good gaming, whether it's Lair or Diner Dash. Ok, maybe not so much with the Lair, the control is crap, but you get what I'm saying.

Paul Zander Denies Interview

I attempted to get an exclusive interview with Paul Zander about his controversial Gamefly comments posted last week to Laser Blade: Games Division. Displaying his renowned "f*** you" hand gesture and trademark tough-guy sensibilites, Paul declined.

Goodbye GameTap

Dear GameTap,

I'm sorry but we can't keep seeing each other. We can't keep up this charade. No, don't cry, please don't cry. It's not you, it's me.

It has been a fun year, no one can deny it. I still remember the first time I saw you. A few friends of mine had told me about you; said you were a ton of a fun, said they had some of their best times with you. I blew them off at first thinking they were suckers, chumps, fools. But no, you proved my friends right. I was surfing the web when I first saw you; love at first sight I think it's called. You had all the right moves and said all the right things. Charmed the pants right off me. Literally.

I still think about that first night. We were up all night exploring one another. I couldn't keep my hands off you, but you already know this. You showed me things I'd never seen and made me feel sensations I hadn't felt in years. It was wonderful. It was love. Was.

No, I don't love you anymore GameTap, we've just drifted so far apart. We've barely spoken these last few months and when we do speak, it's not for long and it just doesn't have that spark anymore. It's a chore to be with you; something I do to vainly convince myself you're still worth it. That we're still worth it. Like I said, it's not you, it's me.

I think the time has come for a clean break. We should go our separate ways. Maybe we'll see each other later in life when we're both in a better place...a place more conducive to us.

I'll always cherish those nights with you....

Matthew (doctordoom99)

The Xbox forum, thanks for your help.

It finally happened. I wrote in a previous blog about the anxiety of replaying “Bioshock” and getting all but one achievement. Well, the sum of all my fears came true when, according to the online guide, I supposedly collected the last item for the achievement.

That nice warm feeling you get when the little Xbox icon pops up at the bottom of the screen, the pleasant little “bloop” noise that accompanies an increase in your gamer score … sadly never came. Damn you Bioshock nerd guide writer! If you spent half the time on the guide as you did trying to make your title name look cool using punctuation then I would have 1000 achievement points right now. EFF You! Or should I say.





But it did give me a good excuse to use Xbox Forums which I highly recommend. Quality responses and a much nicer tone than normal threads. Since the internet gives you the right of anonymity it also apparently gives you the right to be a real dick. (Youtube, I’m looking at you. I started feeling bad for Chocolate Rain singer.) This was a nice dialogue between gamers. Def. try it out next time you’re stuck.

Here is my Bioshock Xbox Forum.

Apparently, I'm still screwed.

Wanted: Games for the Intellectual Snob

I am tired of being babied by videogames.

While playing Metroid Prime 3 (still good) I realized this. It seems that developers are so concerned about players not being able to figure something out, thereby getting stuck, that they hold your hand and guide you like a 4-year-old through the puzzles and whatnot.

Specifically I am talking about the interactive diode thingies that you have to access to make something mechanical happen in a level. For instance there are some switches that you have to grab by hitting A on the Wiimote, pull out, then turn, then push back in. It’s pretty cool. EXCEPT!!!! Each and every time I come to one of these things the screen tells me exactly what I need to do.

This would be fine (maybe) for the first couple; it is neat because there are different kinds of switches, some needing pulling and others pointing and clicking, etc. After the first few the developers should stop leaning over my shoulder and telling me how to do things. I’m just saying. I guess it’s the price we brilliant gamers must pay. It would be more fun to have my brain actually challenged for once. Yeah, I’m that brilliant.

This brings me to an idea I have for a game: Finnegans Wake. This game would be a word-for-word videogame version of the book. Nothing will be cut out! The player will turn the game on and find no instruction whatsoever on what to do or how to play. It would probably sell nine copies, but I would have one! The achievements could be awesome, too: Collect all name variations of H C E, or, Completely research resources from all 60 languages used.

I read the Wake once every few months, btw. There is so much expert scholarship going on right now that I have to in order to stay up to date.

Sincerely, Jack Thompson

I have an unusual job. Though I've learned to take some of its inherent weirdness for granted, every so often, I find myself in a surreal situation and have to take a step back and say "How the hell did I end up here?"

To wit: I am currently engaged in an email conversation with none other than anti-game pundit Jack Thompson.

This isn't my first run-in with JT--he previously threatened to sue me for libel. I understood where he was coming from on that one, though. What I wrote about him was, as it turned out, factually incorrect, but I had simply misinterpreted some wording from a court document. I amended the post, and that, as they say, was that.

Since then, I've made a concerted effort to not have the typical gamer's knee-jerk reaction to Thompson and his various legal shenanigans. He took a lot of heat recently for sending his 15-year-old son into Best Buy to see if he could buy a copy of BioShock (he could), but honestly it wasn't any different than something an investigative reporter would do for the local news. I certainly don't agree with most of what Thompson says, I do think people just assume that whatever comes out of his mouth is crap without actually listening to find out.

And so I find myself in a civil (so far) email conversation with him, asking him if he'd be willing to answer questions from readers.

My job takes me to some very, very strange places.

He didn't have the BAWLS....

The gaming world lost a hero today:

Man dies after 3-day gaming binge

Well, I say hero; most, I'm sure, would be quick to label this man a lunatic. I call them simple-minded. They've never known the rush of collecting that last piece of epic gear: the final component of an armor set sure to turn your game character into a demi-god with a heart that beats with the force of multiple atomic explosions. Norms don't know the power we gamers can posses.

I can just see our intrepid gamer at the start of what he knew would be a gaming binge to end all others. No, binge is the wrong word: one fostered on our fallen comrade to mock and deride. No dear readers, this was a mighty quest. A journey ("break those chains that bind you")! This giant-among-men sat down at the desk that would later become his funeral shroud knowing this journey could cost him his life, but still he did not relent. I'm sure he had a case of BAWLS gamer fuel (cha-ching!) at his side, because no true gamer would dare drink anything else.

For three days this guarana-fueled visionary combed a world, a multiverse, for the components he needed, the loot he craved, the adoration he deserved. The adoration, it should be noted, he did not receive in his short, truncated lifetime. Sadly, when the guarana/sugar mix began to exist in his body at a ratio greater than his blood, his mighty heart exploded. This is all conjecture on my point, but I'm sure his body even exploded at the desk, and with it, a thousand thousand gamers cried out in agony, as if the hero never existed. This man died playing games he loved. He wasted no time with jobs, girl(boy)friends, or any other social pleasantries. The next time you're being productive at work, sharing an intimate social encounter with a member of the opposite sex, or enjoying a warm function with your family; think of the games you're not playing. If you hear a sob behind you, and see no one there, know a dead Chinese man weeps.

I, and the rest of us at Laser Blade (pyew, pyew) Games, salute you dead gaming Chinese man. BAWLS salutes you too, because most gaming tournaments would not exist with out the energy provided by BAWLS brand drinks.


(please give me money BAWLS)


(I love BAWLS)

Mass Effect...Do Want!

(GameTrailers' player is too wide for this blog, so to see what I'm talking about, click here.)

I adored Knights of the Old Republic and Jade Empire, so I've been jazzed for Mass Effect from the word 'go'. The walkthrough I saw at E3, however, gave me pause. In order to save some processing power, they gave certain scenes a "cinematic" glossing over...which is to say they blurred some stuff out or put a grainy filter over it. I wasn't sure how I felt about the results. Having seen this, though, I have decided that I don't care what the cut scenes are like, because the combat looks like eight different flavors of awesome.

Gamefly = Waiting

I am about eight months into my Gamefly membership and I am kind of freaking out. Every time I am about to cancel, someone on their marketing squad with a degree in “Keeping People from Cancelling” reels me back in with some stupid promotion.

Let’s be honest. Paying $15 bucks a month for unlimited rentals for any game system seems like a good idea considering the skyrocketing price of games. The main problem is that I have to wait so long for them to receive or send me a stupid game.

First promotion - new distribution center in Pittsburg. Great! I live in PA and that means no more shipping to and from CA.

Results: Well, it might have been Pittsburg, Uzbekistan because it still takes forever. Waiting about a week for them to receive my returns and even longer to be shipped a game.

Second promotion - $5 coupons and 5% off the price of any game. Then after 6 months it’s 10% (after I officialy became a level 3 gamer. Ooooh). This was initially great because I was able to buy games for real cheap. I’m talking new Xbox games for about $40.

Results: I am still a member and I feel stupid and poor. Why I am I buying the freaking thing if I am paying to rent it? I still haven’t finished "Bully" even though I just HAD to own it.

But they finally screwed it up! Those fancy-pants marketers have made a critical error: their availability icon. Now I can see what games are on high, low, very low availabilities. And yes, you guessed it: every good game is considered very low availability. Big hyped games that got horrible reviews are on low availability, while the only games on high and medium are the entire Tenchu series and some game called Earth Defense Force 2017. They were more likely to keep me when I thought I even had a chance.

SO as soon as Medal of Honor: Airborne arrives I’m quitting. Unless of course ten of you want to try Gamefly then I’ll refer you and get my free Wii. I’m super serious, drop me an email.

I am having fun: Metroid Prime 3

I was bored by the first two Metroid Prime games. I would say to myself, “you are looking exceptionally handsome and virile today, also, why are you still playing this boring game?” I only attempted the first hour or so of Prime 2 after picking it up in the bargain bin and remembering why I didn’t beat the first one.

After retrieving my Wii from the mysterious House of Rawlings (more on that later) I am embarrassed to say I was gripped firmly and successfully by the putrid tentacle of Consumerism. As my brain argued with itself, my body, happy and carefree, glided into Got Game on South Street in Philadelphia (so dangerously close to my home) and purchased Metroid Prime 3: Corruption, on my credit card no less (as I told myself it’s ok because I am making a huge credit card payment this pay cycle and besides it’s not like I’m spending this money on coke or gambling, right? Hey people have hobbies this is mine and I can damn well buy a game if I want it, who cares if Halo 3 is coming out next week *piss* *moan* *grumble*)

You see what I go through what with trying to be a responsible consumer and all.

Anyways, the reviews are right, this game is super sweet. The controls are dead-on and this title really screams of the potential for the Wiiness. The most correct thing is that they did away with the amateurish lock-on system that guided your shots to the enemies so that one could play the game with little-to-no skillz needed.

I have played about 4 hours so far and the pacing is tight. I like the talking and new characters and whatnot. I like that each of the three bounty hunters has a distinct and shallow personality. I like jumping around the big environments. Everything so far has produced sensations of fun and glee.

Let’s hope they don’t screw it up towards the end of the game.

Perfect: The Geek Hierarchy

Click on the image to see in full glory.

Please no please no please no...

Last night my 360 acted up.

I hope it was only a momentary glitch, but I feel that I am deluding myself. I've heard about the symptoms.

Two times in a row the machine froze up during a Shadowrun multiplayer match. I had to do a restart; I couldn't even access the main menu through the controller. The second time I didn't try to play again, but instead turned the machine off and drowned my sorrow in booze and women.

Later that night I came home from a particularly debaucherous night in the city and turned the 360 on. I played for an hour or two with no problem.

Nothing to worry about, or a sign of the lurking evil: The Red Rings of Death?

Team T-Shirts

We clearly need LBGD t-shirts that say "pyew pyew!" on them.

Moving on.

Despite the fact that I have a truly obscene amount of high-falutin' game tech at my disposal (ah, the benefits of working in the industry) the game I'm playing the most at the moment is actually...wait for it....Plant Tycoon. It has about as unexciting a premise as you can imagine: you raise plants for your nursery, then save up money to buy better plants. Not exactly thrills a minute, I'm sure you can agree. And not a hint of ragdoll physics.

Truth be told, I can't imagine how a normal person would play Plant Tycoon, because even on the game's fastest time setting, it takes the plants about an hour to go from seed to fully mature plant. In Animal Crossing, there are other things to do while you wait, like fish, design clothes, chat with townsfolk, but in Plant Tycoon, you can watch your garden grow aaaaaaand that's about it.

As someone who spends inordinate amounts of time in front of a computer, however, I can't get enough of Plant Tycoon. I turn it on when I start my day, then check back on it every so often as I work. The object of the game is to find the six magical plants of...some island or other. You do this mostly by cross-breeding plants, trying for more and more exotic breeds. Again, as a stand-alone game, I'm not sure how fun it actually is, but as a momentary distraction from the daily grind, it's wonderfully compelling.

Brendan thinks about the consolz

In order of my esteem for them:

XBox 360: I have the most fun with this thing. It is made for and marketed to my main interests, and has the best library of games available. Online play works pretty well, the only limit being the speed of other users' connections to the Internet. Achievement point system has me playing games and getting way more out of them than I ever would have before. Sick graphics, which is pretty important to me, but not the most important. This system got me back into videogames like I haven't been since I was 12.

Wii: Not quite sure yet. Still waiting for an unparalled experience on it. I haven't played it for weeks, mainly because I am letting a friend borrow it, but that is only because there isn't really anything I want to play on it. Despite my distaste for the previous 3D Metroid games, I am thinking about trying out Metroid Prime 3. Can't wait for Mario. What the Wii needs is solid and dedicated third party support; I can only take so much Nintendo-themed silliness for so long. Needs a wide variety of games aimed at different demographics, not just casual gaming, to get me more interested.

PS3: Complete crap right now, but with potential. I think Sony created an amazing machine but nothing to go along with it. If they get their act together this machine could be really awesome, and there are some interesting games on the horizon: Haze, for example. By far the ugliest design of the current-gen. Six-Axis a joke. I probably won't get one of these, ever.

Actually nevermind, I probably will.

Floppy Floppy Flop

Unlike my writing compatriots here at Laser Blade (pyew pyew) Games, I don't do a very good job of keeping up with the latest releases. In fact, I kind of suck at it. All of this talk of Bio-Shock and Viva Pinata and what have you just confuse me. Bio-what? Pinata where? I want candy. I'm playing Super Metroid these days suckas, represent.

Of course, games like Super Metroid would be better with one aspect these new-fangled games of gotten the hang of quite well: ragdoll physics!

Nothing confirms a virtual kill better than having an expertly 3D-modeled corpse flail about in the air, bounce along the ground once or twice, and then come to a rest in some compromising position representing an embarassing sexual act. LOL indeed! The use of this rapacious danse macabre of raining corpses is mostly known in the FPS realm where it gets the most press, but for my money, melee action games make good use of this most heavenly of features.

I play Titan Quest, an action title on the PC, and when your character first enters the realm of Killy-kill, corpses only crumble in a heap in front of him. Fun, but sorely lacking. Once I picked up some Storm-front sword of electric ass-kicking + 100000 though, those corpses start to fly, man! They fly up on rocks, the land on their head, they tumble over cliffs, they land on top of one another (giggle) they land in comedic sitting positions, they fall with their head between their legs, and so forth. I feel like a burly, hairy-chested man-god when corpses fly from me powered by the might of my violence!

Ragdoll physics are great, I wish they had them in every game. Even retroactively.

Guy proposes via pinata

In case you've never played Viva Pinata, here are two key facts you need to know: you can send packages with a message to folks on your Friends List, and you can find various gems in the game, including diamonds.

A fella going by the gamertag of Procrasturbate (let's all groan together, shall we?) decided to propose, next-gen style by sending his lady a diamond via Pinata. She accepted, and he forked over an actual diamond to go with the virtual one.

That should seriously be some sort of achievement. "Popped the question, 50 points."

Welcomes

We're adding quality talent left and right here at Laser Blade: Games Division. Welcome to Susan Arendt, a former co-worker of mine and a full-time blogger for Wired Blogs: Game | Life (see link on right). I was too shy to ask her to contribute, what with her duties at Wired, but she volunteered much to my extreme joy.

This is excellent news. Now scroll down to see her first post!

Joy! Happiness! Bliss! Rez!

Yesterday I learned something so exciting I nearly passed out--Rez is coming to the Xbox Live Arcade. It's not just Rez--that would be good enough--but it's Rez with achievements! *swoon!*

Yes. I'm an achievement point whore. I admit this about myself.

In all seriousness, not enough people got to play Rez when it came out on the PS2 so many years ago. The Dreamcast import version was, for some reason I could never quite put my finger on, more difficult than the PS2 version, so I'm guessing that's not what they'll be porting to XBLA. The thought of downloadable content for Rez is also terribly exciting, though that's just wishful thinking at this point.

Oh, and yes, I've played Rez with the Trance Vibrator. I put the Vibrator on the couch, and it was strong enough to shake the whole thing. Very odd experience, really. The cat wasn't a fan, that's for sure.

Pssshh

Paul's Xbox Live card is now below mine on the right side of this page. He doesn't even have five stars of approval yet. Plus, my score is higher. Just FYI, readers.

Last night I discovered that I was trying to beat the level 4 boss of Lost Planet on Extreme Mode the completely wrong way. There is a sweet robot to climb into at the beginning of the boss area that I missed, and was trying to beat the moth on foot.

I kept thinking to myself how hopelessly impossible beating the thing was going to be. Irregardless, I kept at it. In a fit of nihilism I attempted to commit suicide by jumping off the mountain.

Oh... hey there is a robot here... with rockets...

Dracula's So Dreamy

I <3 you video games. Don't ever, ever, ever, ever, change, OK?

Love,
Matt
xoxoxoxoxo

Bioshock: My dream, my nightmare

I recently decided to cross the line over to ultimate nerdom and go for 1000 achievement points. My game: Bioshock.

What originally was to be a great way for me to get all $59.99 out of a great game has quickly sent me to a dark place I haven’t been since I totally made out with that fat British chick. A place between enjoyment, embarrassment and regret. But I can get over the fact that everyone who checks out my gamer profile will see that I must have put in the equivalent of 3 weeks of straight gaming into this quest. Or that whenever a friend goes online they ALWAYS see that I am playing. I mean, it IS one of the greatest games but honestly, I’ve got chores to do. No, I can get over that. What really is messing with me is what I am now calling “Bioshock Anxiety Disorder.”

Beside the fact that I have been having vivid and terrifying dreams of Big Daddy pulling Lil' Sisters out of sand pits (yeah, I don’t get it either) or that when I am walking around I find myself wondering if there are any pep bars, bullets or health power-ups inside that trash bin or desk, what I am really worried about is finishing the game again and accidently missing one achievement. What if I didn’t read the gamefaq guide right? What then? Play it over for the 3rd time and waste another 50 hours of my life? It’s gotten to the point where I have 3 different walkthroughs open at ONCE! I’m calling Brendan asking him the technical differences between Tonics and Plasmids. I am posting on forums the implications of saving or harvesting young children. It’s just not right. So maybe when it’s all said and done, when the nightmares are finally gone, I can put this sad chapter of my life behind me.

"From my Dream Diary"

*For those of you who object to me using a guide, I beat it without one first.... you jerk.

Jackal: Jingoistic Dreams

Jackal is one of the greatest games ever made. To claim otherwise is to be wrong. An exercise in incorrectness. Unright.

I remember my first experience with Jackal at the ripe young age of eight. The title screen fades in, eager little fingers press start, and an explosion sound effect confirms your choice. The game warns you once: "This battle will make your blood boil. Good luck." I'm fairly certain it was the cause of my first erection.

For those not "in the know" Jackal came out on the much-beloved yet infinitely-frustrating NES system back in, oh, let's just say 1988. You look it up. Anyway Jackal concerns a jeep full of macho (presumably) American soldiers laying waste to probably 6,000 communists. Oh, and you have to rescue hostages. But that's ancillary, I swear. The real point is you have a jeep. There are many many people between you and your goals. You must get through these people with provided rockets, grenades, and many rounds of artillery fire. Oh, and you get to run over your enemies to the tune of a squishy sound effect. Joy.

Below is the ending to this fabulous game. What does one do after such a magnificent display of blood-letting? Smoke a cigarette; probably Marlboro's. When I saw this as a wee lad, I knew I wanted to smoke. It became my goal. Of course, in junior high i realized I'm not cool enough to smoke. Just another shattered dream. But Jackal is cool. I have proved thus. Proved it with science.

New Blood

In the upcoming hours or days faithful Laser Blade: Games Division readers will notice some posts from non-Brendan authors. I'd like to introduce them now:

Paul Zander

Paul comes to us straight out of Philadelphia, where he enjoys the Xbox 360 and PS3 on his roomate's glorious 50-some inch HDTV. He pretty much always beats me at videogames. But to my credit we usually only play sports games, and he is as good at videogame sports as he is at real-life sports. The one time I tried to play him in a genre in which I excel, FPS, he whined and said it sucked (Gears of War (I guess not really FPS); I sniped him in the head from close range he never knew i was there) and never wanted to play multiplayer again. Then we beat the campaign on insane mode together. It was a celebration of fun and friendship.

Matt Olcese

Matt sits next to me at work (for a few more weeks at least; congrats on the promotion). We talk about games alot. Matt spends most of his lunches watching Youtube videos of other people playing videogames, sometimes forgetting to eat. He is hardcore. Just today I saw him enjoying a bag of chips and Super Mario 64, earplugs in and all.

Matt is the type of gamer I admire and could never be myself. He is a level-grinding, side-quest loving, 100% completion kind of gamer. While the 8-year-old-must-have-new-game-now mentality never left me, Matt is patiently calculating his 360 purchase; he's got to get through System Shock 2 first.

Welcome aboard dudes.

p.s. If anyone out there is interested in writing, shoot me an email.

Easy Normal Hard

Which do you pick? From now on I’m always going with Hard. Now, if there are four options, the last one being some variation of Extreme (Superhard, Hardass, Ridiculous, A Bit More Hard, etc.), I’m going to stick with Hard.

I used to play on Normal for the first go through, but it always turns out to be too easy. I’m realllllly good. Seems to me that games are more fun when the challenge is higher, e.g. BioShock. Playing on Hard makes it a bit more fun because you have to conserve ammo (mabye) and plan just a tad bit more.

I really appreciate an extremely difficult game. They don’t make ‘em like that anymore. I suppose it is because there is such a huge, money-spending audience now for videogames, and developers do not want hundreds of thousands of people screaming at them that their game is too hard. Luckily, some games allow you, if you enjoy hating your life, to play on various super-super hard modes, like Lost Planet.

I love Lost Planet. Beating the game on Extreme Mode is such a ridiculously impossible task to complete. I haven’t been able to beat the level 4 boss, after trying about 54 times. I think the level 1 boss took me approx. 134 tries. You should have seen me though—no matter how many times I died my zen calm was never disturbed. My meditative, cyclical breathing (learned under the tutelage of Master C.L. Anderson) helped guide my rocket launcher towards the huge, spinning beast; at last, he was felled.

So yeah, I play on Hard.

??????

I done it: Halo 3 preordered

I was going to try to be totally elitist and indifferent about the Halos 3.

I mentioned to Al D that I wasn't sure if I was going to jump on the train. But Al was all "you're not?! I am!" He didn't even really play the first Halos. He said it was time he get in on it.


Then I was thinking how much I like special effects and killer blockbuster movies. Halo 3 is no different--preordering the game and getting it on launch day will be like seeing huge movies on opening day: Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, anything with The Rock or George Clooney (*swoon*), any superhero movie, etc. The damn thing will be good. I'm not one to look down on ultra-pop culture, as long as it appeals to the geekish demographic.

Sure, the multiplayer matches will be filled with total pendejos and cabrones. There will be some cool people, I'm sure. But unlike Shadowrun (still play it), people on my friends list will actually have the game and we'll be able to bond and share our platonic love for each other over the Xbox Live. Plus I think I might be the best out of all my friends.

From one of kotaku's "best comments" posts about the recent Time magazine article that proposed that Halo is to be looked down upon, a reader responds:

I'll show him what halo is really all about!

*prints out the article and begins to teabag it*

Fix Your Busted NES

Hey! Quit pumping your lunch money into Nintendo’s dirty, dirty veins. Fix your old NES. No more NES Virtual Console downloads.

I did it and it was super easy. Pretty much all original Nintendo Entertainment Systems stopped working because of the 72-pin connector inside. Google “how to fix NES” or go here.

You will need to get a new 72-pin connector. I got one from eBay for like, five bucks. Then all you do is follow the instructions. As long as you have hands you should be fine. If you don’t have hands, get your pep pep to help you.

Once it is installed properly you’ll be amazed at how fresh and tight sliding a warm, expecting cartridge into the slot is. Like it’s brand new. OH! Make sure you clean all your games before you go throwing them in there. Use protection: take some Q-tips and swab some alcohol all over the chippy part that sticks out at the bottom.

Then, turn the f***ing thing off and play Xbox360.

Play it again, sir!

For old times sake: a video I made with Alan Duprez regarding Nintendo.

Welcome

As mentioned in my personal self-enjoyment blog Laser Blade w/ Machine Gun Attachment, we here at Laserblade HQ are launching this new product: Laser Blade: Games Division. The idea here is that I will publish thoughts, reactions, and micellany related to the world of videogaming and electronic nerdity. It'll keep the dorksome content off of my main blog since videogames still have a negative view in many circles; I would HATE for anyone to think of me as some sort of dorkus idiot.

So anyway, please please come back and enjoy all manner of game-related content. Because you can get all the news from such sites as Kotaku, Destructiod, and the others, you'll mainly find here a discussion of gaming culture and associated pondermentation.